(100% Natalie-Portman.net) - Thanks to our guest columnist Scott (also known as SUtherPendragon) for submitting his 7 page essay on Natalie. Scott says, "Thinking back I remember exactly when I first glimpsed the beauty that is Natalie Portman. Being a huge fan of the Star Wars series I got on the internet and went to www.starwars.com for some information on how the new movie, Episode I, was coming along..."
Her Happiness
By Scott
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I read something that someone wrote about Natalie Portman a little while ago and was inspired to write myself. This is the product of my writings, sort of an "ode to Miss Portman" kind of thing. It contains a lot of my thoughts on Miss Portman as well as some of my own beliefs and convictions. It’s a very personal and meaningful piece for me and I hope it inspires others as the original writing inspired me. I don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I say. A lot of stuff is personal to me and I realize that everyone has their own thoughts and opinions. I can respect that. Anyway, what I’ve written is a kind of story describing my infatuation with the talented angel we know as Natalie Portman, and some reflections on life that arose as I wrote. Anyone that e-mails me and says that I’m obsessed I will answer simply, "I know." That’s about all I have to say. I warn you that it is long and there are probably plenty of grammatical and format errors, but I hope you all enjoy it.
My Wish: Her Happiness
Thinking back I remember exactly when I first glimpsed the beauty that is Natalie Portman. Being a huge fan of the Star Wars series I got on the internet and went to www.starwars.com for some information on how the new movie, Episode I, was coming along. While dancing from one tidbit of information to another on the website I eventually arrived at the list of actors and actresses who were playing the major roles in the film. I checked out Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson and found myself glad that such good but not overused actors were to be playing the two Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn. After reading up on them I came to the new female role, the one that would follow Carrie Fisher’s performance as Princess Leia. This time the character was a queen, a ruler, a beautiful young woman carrying the fate of an entire race of people upon her shoulders. A bit naive, the queen none-the-less is strong-willed and does not give in to tyranny. Yes, Queen Amidala, ruler of the Naboo people from the world of the same name was the new female role in one of the most influential series of movies of all time; and this new character was to be portrayed by an actress who, until the moment I clicked on her name on the Star Wars website, was totally unknown to me. Slow as our computer was (and still is) I was forced to wait a few moments while the information traveled the hundreds of miles of phone line and cable, into the modem, and was finally processed and displayed on the screen. When the computer had finished and the page of the site was shown before me I beheld a sight of magnificence I had never been so privileged to view. Glowing with the warmth of a hundred times a thousand times a million candles, radiating a beauty that emotionally touched me deeper than the richest most vibrant sunset I had ever experienced, was the star, the angel, the pure elegance that was Miss Natalie Portman. All time was lost, all space vanished, all motion stopped as I sat riveted, jaw dropped, staring at the two by three inch picture that contained her likeness. For about five minutes (that’s the time I estimate anyway) I sat and could not move. My high school art teacher once described something to us in our art history class that she referred to as an ‘aesthetic experience.’ It’s when an emotional reaction is provoked by a purely visual input. She described hers occurring when she first entered the main chapel of Chartes cathedral in Paris, France. I too have now been fortunate enough to see the magnificent stained glass that composes the gorgeous windows of the cathedral, but her experience ran more deeply than mine did. She began, as everyone else who goes there does, by walking up a very confined spiral staircase from the basement to the main room. Upon exiting her eyes were flooded by the openness of the room with the sunlight cascading through the red, green, yellow, and blue hues of the stained glass windows. She froze, she says, and was so taken by the enormous beauty that the next thing she knew was a friend of hers, fifteen minutes later, finally went back to her and brought her out of her trance, tears streaming down her face. Her ‘aesthetic experience’ is the closest I can come to describing what happened to me during those first five minutes of seeing Miss Portman’s face. Though I didn’t cry (I had never been one to cry much before then) I did freeze, as I said, and didn’t move until at least five minutes later when I slowly came to the realization that if I moved the mouse pointer over the picture and clicked a larger picture would load. I immediately did so and within moments the picture of her that I still so admire to this day appeared and again I sat, stunned, for another ten minutes until I could stand it no more. It was during these first few minutes that my love for her was kindled.
I feel now I must depart from Natalie herself for the moment to contemplate the meaning of the word ‘love.’ My statement that I love Natalie Portman may sound to many like I’m jumping the gun or at the very least have no clue what I’m talking about. Well, I will assure anyone who reads this that I do know exactly what I’m talking about. My initial thoughts on true love are as such:
Love is to cherish something, or in this case someone, to want her and care for her more than anything else in the world; and to truly care for her one has to be willing to do whatever it takes to bring her joy, even if it means death, or giving her up to someone else. I say death first because death would be less painful than loss. That’s another part of what love is. The greatest pain that one can suffer is the one that comes the loss of the object of love. Without that love there is nearly no point to life itself. I am not saying that if love is lost whomever loses that love should kill himself, that’s not the idea I’m trying to promote here at all. I’m just suggesting that to live, one needs love. If a love is lost another must be found, whether it comes from a person, place, object, or religion, love is necessary. Love is also trust, mutual trust; and along with that trust comes openness. Trust has no merit if openness does not come with it. The two go hand in hand and cannot be exclusive of one another. To trust someone a person needs to know them, how they feel, and what they think. Without a willingness to share those innermost thoughts and feelings trust cannot develop. To create a kind of paradox openness cannot come without trust either. If someone doesn’t trust another person what reason do they have to confide in them? This simply means that someone has to take that leap, that first step of blind faith that all good relationships begin with. Without that, there is no hope for love. These are all the basic elements of love which no one can have a solid, true relationship without. These are my beliefs on love and these are what I base my previous statement upon.
Now then, after that first glance I had of Natalie Portman I couldn’t keep my mind off her. The next day I again returned to the internet and searched for more pictures of her to quench my thirst for her beauty. Within days I had a collection of a half a dozen pictures which I promptly saved to a disk and brought to my computer downstairs. Being
from the internet these pictures were of poor quality and me being the computer artist and perfectionist that I am I opened them up in a paint program of mine and proceeded to clean, sharpen, and smooth out all the imperfections created by the scanning, compressing, downloading, and uncompressing of the pictures. Laboring for hours I was determined to bring out the beauty originally displayed in these pictures. The first one I finished is still
one of the best to this day. Miss Portman is standing there, an innocent, playful hint of a smile on her face, hair tied back into a messy bun. She’s wearing a yellow tank top that literally glows with the warm light that was shone upon it. Her right arm hangs down at her side while her left arm, casual and relaxed, is crossed over with her hand lightly tucked between her right elbow and side. Though I know her pants are a kind of pinstripe not much of them can be seen. It doesn’t matter much to me though. Her face would be enough.
During those first few weeks I would make sure to see her picture for a few minutes every day. Then, my interest dwindled. Other things pressed on my mind, the actual Star Wars movie in particular. For months I really paid no interest to the beauty I had discovered. I saw those pictures I had cleaned up from time to time but didn’t give them much attention. I regret this long period now that I look back on it. Then, about a month after Episode I came out my interest was renewed. My friend began to talk about her, how smart she was, how beautiful she looked, and how he would love to portray Anakin Skywalker in the next two Star Wars movies. This perked my jealousy and renewed my interest. We would always talk about wanting to be in the next movies and somehow he’d manage to edge in first and say that he’d play Anakin. Also during this time is when we discovered that the Valedictorian of our senior class, who was (and still is) going to a certain Ivy-league college that I will not mention in order to preserve her and Miss Portman’s privacy, was roommates with Miss Portman herself. We were ecstatic for a few weeks, well I was anyway, and this tidbit of information spurred my interest even more so that once again I took an active role in finding out about her. It was during this time that my interest in her personality began to take hold. Sure I found some more pictures, most of which I laboriously cleaned up and currently use as desktop wallpaper and screensaver images so that I see her every time I turn on my computer, but I also read her biographies. Again all my searching was done on the internet. I learned that she was born in Jerusalem on June 9, 1981 and soon afterward was moved to the U.S. (I forget exactly where) She lived in two places within a very short time period before finally settling down in Long Island, NY where she currently lives today. I learned about the movies she’d already been in, The Professional, Heat, and even Mars Attacks, which I had seen before yet for some reason did not have the same reaction to as I did that first picture. I remember thinking that I liked her while first watching that movie though. I also read that she had been in the Broadway production of The Diary of Anne Frank. Amazed as I was by all of this I was even more stunned by her intelligence: a straight ‘A’ student, 4.0 GPA, and sought after by Ivy league schools. She was beautiful, sure, talented, heck yeah, and she was intelligent! Three things I always look for in a woman.
What I look for in a woman may be different from a lot of men, but I think it’s exactly what needs to be sought after. First of all, I will agree with every woman in the world by saying this: "Men are pigs." This is a plain and simple fact; and no matter how hard any guy tries he’s still a grimy little hog. I’ll even go so far as to admit that I’m a pig myself. I’ll admit it because it’s true and I try to be a trustworthy person. With that confession I can make my next statement without fear of any future repercussions. The first thing I look for in a woman is how they look. Anyone reading this needs to know right now that that’s not the only thing, but it is the first thing. In order to capture my attention you have to posses, to a certain extent, aesthetic beauty. Clean skin, not too much makeup, fairly thin, medium height, nice hair, etc. Keep in mind that this is by no means the most important thing and exceptions can be made. A supermodel figure is not required. The next thing that I look at is the personality. This makes up for a huge amount of exterior beauty but still does not overshadow it. Does she get along with people well? Does she have a sense of humor? Is she outgoing? Is she an overall happy person with a good outlook on life? Each of these questions needs to have a ‘yes’ answer or it’s a no-go. The third, and probably most important thing, is morality. Is this person a moral person? This question can be answered in many small ways because it is a rather broadly based question. Miss Portman has demonstrated her moral standing to me in many ways, all of which I greatly admire. Two of which involve the turning down of parts in movies. First of which is her refusal to play Juliet in the latest version of Romeo and Juliet because of the age difference between her and Leonardo DiCaprio. (who by the way I can’t stand) This, quite frankly, stunned me. Turning down a movie part because of an age difference is so morally perfect you practically couldn’t ask for anything more perfect. The other part she initially turned down was for her latest movie Anywhere but Here. This movie originally had a nude scene in it which she promptly refused to play. Because of this Susan Sarandon refused to be in the movie as well. The writers were forced to re-tool the movie and cut the nude scene so that they could get both Susan Sarandon and Natalie Portman in the movie. This choice, though not as stunning as the first, is another way I know that Miss Portman is an outstanding individual and I greatly admire her for that. Finally I have one last thing that I look for in a woman, though this is less important and in some cases comes as sort of an added bonus, sometimes it can be the key. It is necessary for a woman to be at least as intelligent as I am. If I can’t have a decent intellectual conversation with someone at my own level then forget it. I don’t care how good you look or how nice you are, if I have to talk down to you then it’s not worth it. I would just as soon talk up as talk down. If I were to find a woman who is more intelligent, that’s where the extra credit comes in. I realize it sounds a bit juvenile to call it ‘extra credit’, but since I am currently lacking a better phrase it will have to do. Miss Portman is spades more intelligent that I am. I could never work as hard as she does to achieve such outstanding grades. Very few people I know can actually do that and it’s one of the things that I greatly respect about a person. Now that I’ve said that she’s more intelligent than I am I have to back-track and say that I’m sure she wouldn’t want to talk down to me either. I’m confident that I could have a knowledgeable discussion on a whole range of serious topics with her. I say she’s more intelligent because she does better in academic subjects than I ever could. Back on track here, I hope that I’ve made my point that looks aren’t everything. In fact a great majority of the beauty of a person comes from the inside; but if a person isn’t decent, moral, or intelligent enough to take care of themselves I don’t see the point in pursuing a relationship with them at all.
I knew with the Biographies that I had read that Natalie Portman fit all the guidelines that I set for people I wish to have a relationship with, and she fit them perfectly. All these things that I had discovered carried me through to the time when I first found out about her new movie Anywhere but Here. I was filled with joy when I heard that an entirely new movie was coming out with her as the main character. She would play Ann, a young teenager who wants to grow up and get away from her overbearing mother who always tries to make her do things she doesn’t really like; yet throughout the film Ann, in her attempts to escape her mother, discovers that she is more like her than she first realized. During the month leading up to the release of the movie I was privileged enough to see the preview for it every weekend along with a poster that was placed in the theater where I work. (For the record I work at a local movie theater called Studio 28.) The previews on the monitors in the theater ran in a continuous loop and I knew when the preview for Anywhere but Here was coming up. If I remember correctly it came on in intervals of about thirty two minutes and followed the preview for some sort of boxing movie starring Antonio Banderes that I can’t for the life of me remember the title of right now. I hated the moments that the preview would start just as a bunch of people got in my concession line and I wasn’t able to fully devote my attention to watching it. The day before the movie opened Natalie took a break from classes at college and appeared on three television shows. She was on Oprah (which I was forced to turn off), MTV’s Total Request Live, and The Late Show with David Letterman. I did tape The Late Show, and afterwards I watched it three more times. Every answer she made was incredible, nearly word for word how I was mouthing the answers myself. Yes I was mouthing the answers myself. Don’t ask me why. At one point Dave described the entire plotline behind Anywhere but Here and both Natalie and I replied, "That... that was very nice." Word for word, that’s exactly what both of us said, same tone of voice, same emphasis, same expression. I felt incredibly connected with her at that moment. Although I could just be overestimating a mere coincidence, I still like to think it was some sort of sign. Anywhere but Here finally entered theaters on November 12. I remember the first time I saw any part of the movie. I was working one night and decided to go and watch part of the movie during my half hour break. I bought only a cookie and got a courtesy cup of Dr. Pepper for my break and took it to theater number three where it was playing. I had missed the first fifteen or twenty minutes, but it didn’t matter to me. All I cared about was that I could see Natalie Portman, her talent, her beauty, in the way I wasn’t able to see her in Episode I. Her talent, and my caring for her, became extraordinarily clear to me during one scene. Ann (Natalie) and her mom had agreed to both go to a Christmas party they had been invited to. (I’m going to refer to Ann as Natalie from now on, seeing as that’s how I think of her anyway.) In any case Natalie was all set to go and looked so elegant in the black outfit she wore that it took my breath away, but her mom had suddenly become obsessed with making sure the apartment was clean and was nowhere near ready to leave. The scene progressed with Natalie becoming increasingly disappointed and sad that her mom was not going to come with her. The pain on her face and the tears welling up in her eyes put a lump in my throat so huge I could barely breathe and I was thinking to myself, "Doesn’t her mom see? My God, that pain on her face! Any mother should be able to see that all she wants is for her mom to be with her at that Christmas party. It’s so obvious! Why can’t she see? Why can’t she see?" Tears began to blur my vision as Natalie left the apartment and walked down the stairs as if to leave. She was in so much pain she stopped in a short hall and stood there a moment and then proceeded to slam her purse against the wall in frustration. Then she stopped and looked out the other end of that hall, and even though all I could see in the shot was her back it was enough to project how much despair she was in. The shot cut to a medium-close-up of her face and a tear she had cried fell off her lip and another cascaded down her left cheek. By this time I could barely see the screen save for the moments I wiped the tears from my eyes. I wanted so much to take her and hold her and wipe all the anguish inside her out of her life forever. Out of anything in the whole world, at that moment, the only thing I would have wished for was her happiness; and anytime I think of that scene, that movie, or read this paragraph, or think of her, that’s all I will ever wish for.
I’ve thought much about what I would do to give Natalie happiness, or even the lengths I would go to just to have a chance to meet her. Most people when faced with such a question will immediately answer "anything in the world." I just as quickly will respond to that with "Not everything in the world is yours to give." It’s not hard to say you will give anything in the world for something when you don’t posses everything in the world to begin with. The real test comes from the more specific question: "What would you give that is yours to give, or what would you do within your power to have the chance to meet Natalie Portman?" First off, most people would answer simply that they’d bungee jump off the Sears Tower, or skydive from 40 thousand feet, or run with the bulls in Spain. These are all petty, insignificant attempts at flattery and nobody who gives these answers is really willing to give up anything. All they want to do is face a fear that means nothing and has no emotional meaning to them other than fear. Fear is never associated with the object of a person’s love or obsession and therefore facing a fear cannot be an adequate measure of someone’s caring for another. I took up the challenge of answering this question for myself a couple of days ago. I was alone at my house thinking of Natalie and what I would do just to be able to brush my hand against hers. I agree that I would be willing to take unnecessary risks as other people say they would, but it wasn’t enough. I started walking through the house finding everything that was mine. Everything that I came across I seriously thought about and decided that I could live without it for that one moment when my hand could touch hers. I imagined things disappearing from my room. My posters, my books, all my games, my computer, television, VCR, all my movies and even my own artwork that took skill accumulated over a period of 14 years to complete, vanished in my minds eye until nothing was left in my room except bare walls a floor and a ceiling. When I got there I kept going. I stripped the drywall and carpet from the foundation to reveal insulation and cement. These were stripped away as well and soon enough I was left with nothing but dirt and the cold snowy wilderness. So, I was willing to work and sleep without the comforts of a house, but what else was I willing to give up for that one brief moment with her? I moved on to my bathroom and the same happened there. From there I decided I could live with nothing, though I wouldn’t survive long. No comforts of plumbing, hygiene, convenient food and water. I could live as ancient man did so long ago if it meant that I could have one moment of contact with Natalie Portman. Other men say that they would readily give their lives for such a chance, but this brings with it only a marginal amount of merit as well. Again they are unwilling to live a long life with the loss of something truly personal. I’ve always believed that a humiliating life without a common comfort or necessary item would be more painful and meaningful than a quick death without the fear of losing anything emotionally important.
After a few weeks I took a day to catch up on my movie viewing and watched Anywhere but Here all the way through. Again I cried. Natalie Portman has the ability to move me. Somehow, every time I see her, I empathize with every minute detail of emotion that seeps through her expression and feel it personally. I can’t explain it, and I won’t try. I recently read that Natalie believes that art has to touch you deeply and emotionally or it hasn’t served its purpose. If that’s true than Natalie herself is the most astonishing creation of pure art I have ever bore witness to. She truly inspires me. When I think of her I want to be the best man I can possibly be. Just looking into a picture of her eye stirs emotions in me that are so confusing and exhilarating I never want them to stop. I want to do more, I want to be more, for myself. I don’t think about something I’m doing while thinking of her as being for her, I think of her as a driving force that makes me want to better myself for my own benefit. She does it every day and so should I. I find myself exercising more, eating healthier, and doing things that need to be done sooner. Like I said, she inspires me and moves me to do greater things and that means more to me than I will ever be able to fathom.
Since Anywhere but Here I haven’t gone a day without seriously thinking about Natalie Portman. In the past month I’ve thought about her probably more than I should considering I’ve never actually met her. All I know of her is from what I see and read, but if that’s any indication of what she’s actually like that’s fine by me. Others have said what I’m about to say and that is that I feel selfish by writing this massive piece of literature. I’m only writing about what Natalie Portman means to me and how it relates to my life. I do admire and respect her for who she is and what she does but there’s so much more to her that I don’t know and wish I did. In writing this I feel as though I’m reaching out trying to grab her and pull her in with a few eloquent words and well written phrases, hoping that someday she will happen upon this piece of writing and somehow contact me and plant the seeds of a relationship. I will say that I wish I could do that and I’ve even contemplated writing a letter and sending it to her fan mail address hoping she will read it. Every time I think about it I know it’s a useless gesture. How many guys out there have written her the same things I would write? She’s even got a few pages of names on a website that contain marriage proposals to her. I feel tiny and insignificant. Miss Portman is so far above me and would just as soon discard any long-winded letter that I could write than read it. Then again if I were faced with a ten page letter mailed to me by a fan I might give the person the benefit of a doubt and read it; but once again how many of these sorts of things does she get in a day? No, it’s hopeless to write to her, even posting this on a web page for all to see is pointless. I know she doesn’t use computers much at all and the internet probably even less. The chances are slim, so infinitesimally miniscule that she’d notice something I’d written. My only ray of hope comes from a dream. My dream of using my talents and working my way through the film industry so that one day she and I may work on a movie together and I may have the opportunity to exchange a few friendly words with her and compliment her and hope that my small amount of support makes her day shine a little bit brighter. But again, it’s only a dream.
I only found out yesterday that Natalie may have a romantic intirest. Someone she was with at the Golden Globe awards. (which by the way she should have won) I found myself in pain and shock. I thought, "No! Me, why can’t it be me? It should be me! He doesn’t deserve her! Why?" Why do I have to be so selfish? I keep thinking back to when I said I would have done anything, anything to make her happy. So why does finding out she may be involved with someone else upset me so much. Shouldn’t I be glad for her? Shouldn’t I be happy that someone is out there possibly making her happy to the best of his ability? But it’s not enough. He can’t possibly be willing to go to the extreme lengths I would. He can’t possibly appreciate her insurmountable talent, her immeasurable intellect, or her astonishing beauty the same way I could. I want her to know about me. I want her to know that I exist and will push myself mentally and physically to the boundary of human endurance and beyond for her. To pick up a dropped hair pin for her would be more important to me than every other common comfort and everything I’ve ever taken for granted. I’d sleep outside for hours in rain, snow, hail, sleet, sandstorms, blizzards, hurricanes, mud-slides, every extreme environment man can ever hope to discover if she said that that’s the way it should be. If she said "do it" I wouldn’t even allow myself time to answer I would jump to the task so quickly. Can he possibly be willing to go to such extreme measures? Is he willing to do what it takes to even begin deserving her admiration? How can she even admire anyone? She’s farther above any of us like a giant sequoia is to an ant. So much bigger is she than anyone else as an atom is to the entire universe. How can someone so important admire someone who cannot compare to her magnificence in any way? But if he does make her happy, if he truly makes her happy, why can I not be? I earlier stated that her happiness meant everything to me. So now, knowing that someone may be making her happy, why does that not fill me with joy? Why do I feel such pain? She’s happy, that’s all I wanted, but now I’m not so sure. Could it be that I yearned for her happiness so much but only wanted it if I was the one who could give it? I can’t think of another explanation. So now I am forced to think. She’s happy, I must be happy. Though I have lost, she has found, and is happy. I can be happy for her I suppose, but at the same time I am sad for myself. I’ve lost a love I never had and am sorrowful. So my anguish comes not for her, but for myself. I decided too late. I changed my focus too late in my life to make a difference in hers. Had I known, had I cared years ago, things might be different. I will always think of her with compassion and caring, and will cherish her memory for always. She was and is my world and for that I am grateful.
A few weeks ago I was listening to some music from Sleepless in Seattle and thinking of Miss Portman. It was about 11:56pm when I started crying over her and I didn’t stop crying for an entire hour. To touch her hand, to hear her voice, to catch a glimpse of her from a mile away is worth everything to me. That’s why I do what I do, and that’s why I’m writing this now. If she didn’t exist, or I had never found out about her I would still be here and life would continue as normal and I would have found something else to love, but as it is I’ve found my one thing to love. Until that one thing is gone, or another manages to replace it, I will continue my love and will not let it falter. She will always be my focus, my driving force, and my inspiration. Thank you, Natalie. Thank you for being you.
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