100% Natalie Portman

Toronto Ontario
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Natalie's Port-al "Let's Ride Through Together"
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"Hello... Hello... Said it's good to be back, said it's good to be back, Hello... Hello... Hello."

What's up everybody? It's Natalie's Port-al, version intergrale'... well, not really, its #11, but I wanted to get "version intergrale" in this baby somewhere. Anyway, right upfront, I would just like to apologize for the last newsletter, which was absolutely horrible. Atrocious. Just downright awful. But still better than the alternative, which is reading some of the crap that people post on message boards. Bwahahahaha... You love me because you have no alternative!!!! Anyway, while I'm in this repentant mood, I'll just come forward and apologize for all the other horrible things that I have been responsible for, over the past few years.

1. New Coke.

2. Those awful Tampax commercials.

3. The Hanson album.

4. The live Hanson album

5. The forth-coming new Hanson album.

6. Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit's hat.

(I roughed him up with a lead pipe a few years ago, so he's trying to hide the scar.)

7. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera wearing clothes, and not acting in porn.

8. John Wayne Bobbit not wearing clothes, and acting in porn.

9. Bonehead and Guigsy leaving Oasis.

10. The Toronto Maple Leafs never winning.

11. Manchester United's David Beckham always kicking people.

12. Dennis Rodman's celebrity

13. France.

Whew. Feels good to get all that stuff off of my chest. Anyway, what can I say but I'm sorry? That, and I promise never, ever, ever, ever to do it again.... well, maybe once more, but after that, NEVER, ever again. Anyway, I have an actual newsletter to get to.

Issue #1 anywhere but here reviews

Let's just forget for a second, that I myself gave Anywhere But Here a bad review. Can you believe that some reviewers are actually saying Natalie's new movie is bad? Bad? Something that Natalie was in bad? How freakin' dare they! Natalie could make a Kevin Williamson movie great. I mean, no matter how bad a Natalie movie is, you can always shut your mind off, and just stare at the screen in an absent minded hazy fog, while making sure to catch the drool falling from your mouth with a well placed popcorn bucket. Anyhow you look at it, just looking and hearing Natalie makes it well worth the 8 dollars you paid for admission.

So obviously, the critics who did not give Anywhere But Here a good review, have a screw lose, or are totally evil. I for one, think that the latter is more likely to be the correct answer. So how do we fight the evil? The evils of those who do not love Natalie? Easy, we punish them until they've learned their lesson. (Ever notice how this seems to be a recurring theme in these newsletters?) So what do we do exactly to these movie reviewers so that they know never again to give a bad review to a Natalie movie? Well, we could...

1. Have Roger Ebert sit on them.

2. Make them listen to the Entertainment Tonight theme, over and over and over again.

3. Lock them in a room with Oprah on one side, and a buffet table on the other.

4. Devote a crappy website to them entitled "America's Queen".

5. Make them watch the outtakes of Episode 1, which include the Yoda/Mace Windu love scene, and the Obi Wan Kenobi/Qui-Gon arm-wrestling match to settle who gets Anakin.

Anyway, any punishment we pick will ensure a bunch of good Natalie reviews for years to come. Well, at least until Where The Heart Is comes out, which just cannot possibly be good. Have you heard the premise of this movie? Well you haven't? Let me fill you in.

Issue #2 natalie's future movie roles

So, you want to know what Natalie's next movie part is about do you? Do you? Are you sure? She's playing a pregnant 20-something year old, who after getting pregnant, is abandoned by her boyfriend, and is forced to live in a Wal-Mart. Yes, a Wal-Mart. Yes, this might be the dumbest movie ever. Possibly dumber than a movie about a twelve year old hitman, or a 14 year old queen of a democracy in white make-up, or the daughter of the President of the United States who is able to defeat a bunch of Martian invaders. Reading that list, two things basically come to mind. The first being that Natalie has made a lot of nutty movies. The second being, that Natalie was able to save those movies. Will she able to save this Wal-Mart movie? Let's face it, probably not. Its about freakin' Wal-Mart for Natalie's sake. Can you name any great department store movies? Didn't think so. Anyhow, obviously Natalie's agent needs a little help in picking her roles, so why not us, as Natalie's loyal army of the night, lend a helping hand.

Let me save you all some time. Let's not have Natalie play any strippers, porn stars, or exotic dancers. I hate to disappoint all of you, but it ain't gonna happen. Let's get creative in the roles we want Natalie to play, I for one have a few ideas.

1. Natalie Bond.

Pierce Brosnon is leaving, so why not?? It would be fun to see her in tight "Zeta-Jones-esque" secret agent clothing, and seeing her have sex with all those female spies that James Bond is always sleeping with would be interesting to say the least. On top of that, I guarantee you that Ms. Moneypenny ain't gonna be turning down Natalie.

2. Anakin Skywalker.

Remember a bit ago, when we were trying to decide who should play the next Anakin Skywalker? Well, the perfect solution absolutely eluded me. It was so obvious, yet nobody thought of it. Natalie should play Anakin! After all, Natalie is the only one, (besides me) who is worthy enough to be with Natalie. It makes PERFECT sense. Of course it can be done, those wizards at Lucas Arts made two Natalie's when Padme and Amidala were onscreen together, why not this time around too? Infact, why not have Padme, Amidala, and Anakin be the whole movie? They could basically have the "naughty" sleepover that they've been wanting to have for years. Three different Natalie's in the same movie in three different costumes! Oh my. Oh dear. Oh joy!

3. Shaft

I just know that this would be really really cool.

Anyway, as per new custom in this pathetic excuse for a newsletter, I'll leave the rest of the new Natalie Roles up to you. So here's your homework assignment for this week kids.

think up new roles for natalie

ah, there you go. I feel vindicated in giving you kids something to do. God knows that you're all lost without me and my guidance.

Anyway, on another Random Note, even though I did make a sly remark about the uselessness of people who post on message boards in the intro, you do get the occasional GREAT gem every now and then. I forget what the exact topic was, but it was something like, "What Makes Natalie So Special?" As usual, there were the huge number of jabrone's who thought up stuff like, "her eyes, her lips, her smile..." etc, etc. Anyway, as I was going through the usual slew of mediocrity, one message really caught my eye. A guy named -Sanjiro- who is know officially right at the top of my cool book, said that the one thing that made Natalie special was...

"if she told me to kill you......I would."

Hehehehehe... I personally thought that little message was very humorous. Then again, I thought The Mighty Ducks was the height of cinematic excellence.


issue #3 just all of your stuff

Sheesh, you guys keep sending me stuff, even stuff I stopped asking for. Oh well, I guess it just proves your dedication... or incompetence... whatever.

Demon Overlord (Nice name... My newsletter hits a nice church goin' audience doesn't it?)

Natalie loves Noodles,
there for I love Noodles...
am I a zoophile?

Natalie Portman
You took away my heart
you need a diafram?

A crapp he took
yet Nat forgot to look
he(the mut) deserves a nuke

Message board nut, El Knight, who really does have a sick, (yet somewhat fascinating) sense of humour wrote that a good idea for a Natalie TV show would be a one time special entitled...

Natalie the Masochist:

The whole show would consist of Natalie running through fields of dog 'poo' where soon after she would have to wash her shoes......muahahaha.

same topic, Jill Avila writes...

1. she could come onto "Friends" and have about 5 spin-offs of her own

2. she could kill carson daly on TRL and do that little wieght shifting
thing she did on the show and host it all in one hour...or we could make it
a 10 hour show....

3. we could have tv rating systems based on the content of nat...like this

GLON-TV: got lots of nat
CPFG-TV: could pass for good....got nat "cameos"
SAFN-TV: sucks a fat nut (no nat whatsoever)

so, it either has nat...or you change the channel, i think so...

4. ok...there's no number 4...unless we can have a nat movie channel...and
nat movies...all the time.

Jeffrey Whipple, who sent in this Natalie dreamdate...

My Natalie Portman Dream Date Would go as follows: I would wear Armani Slacks and a jacket, a Van-Heusen French Cuff Shirt With Emerald and Obsidion cuff-links And a green and gold tie
She would wear a crimson dress with a diamond neaklace
We would eat at Rococo's(a local restraunt). We would arrive in a white double stretch limo. Eat, then I would take her home and hope to see her again soon.

One last thing. I promised a regular reader that I would advertise their site. Anyway, he's got a big Nat Portman gallery, along with a bunch of other hot girls, check it out.

Stuart Mackenzie - http://web.ukonline.co.uk/stuartm/actress/natalie/natalie1.htm

Anyway, I realise that sending this thing out on a Sunday night as opposed to a Saturday night is a stupid mistake, and will probably cut my readership in half, but its a one time thing I assure you... anyhow, I'm going to go out now into my backyard with a telescope, and see if I can try and catch that Mars Probe Lander on my own. Till then, later gang.

Peace, Love & Blame France!
AVP

"All I Need are Cigarettes & Alcohol
Coz' You Could Wait For a Lifetime
To Spend Your Days in the Sunshine
You Might as Well Do the White Line"