Natalie Portman

Toronto Ontario
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Natalie's Port-al "Let's Ride Through Together"
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"don't send me any more mail. anyone who gets the newsletter is a loser.
i say this because in newsletter #9, everyone who submitted stories
sounded like a loser. you may ask 'then why the fuck did you sign up in
the first place?' the answer is simple: i was caught in the hype of star
wars back in may and now i'm just not interested. natalie portman is not
the kind of girl that i'm into. she is not a slut. she would never be
into anal sex. she does not believe in pre-marital sex. she is also a
loser."

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That's Gookstir everybody... an angry angry man... and of course, a NATALIE'S PORTAL reader for life-

Yes, we get an ecclectic mix of Newsletter fans =)

Anyhow, make sure you write to Gookstir and tell him how much you appreciate his comments.

Cheeze... where the hell have I been?

Anyway, welcome aboard lucky newsletter #13- First off, this newsletter is very, very late. Why? Here are a couple of possible reasons.

1- I can't do ANYTHING.

2- My life has recently taken a turn toward the pathetic, and I can barely muster the strength to sit up straight in front of a keyboard.

As depressing as it sounds, they might be both equally true.

Anyhow, no time to wallow in my own self misery, (and trust me, there's PLENTY of it to wallow through), we've got a newsletter to skim through....

(by the way, isn't it amazing how this is a month late, but i'm still going to do it half-assed?... dammit I suck)

Anyway, a lot has happened over the past 2 months since I've been gone- so let's get going.

issue #1 being natalie portman

Ah, another issue I gleefully nicked from a message board, but an interesting one nonetheless. Incase you're unfamiliar with a movie titled "Being John Malkovich", let me fill you in. The movie is about a bunch of people who find a portal that leads into the brain of John Malkovich. When they're in there, they have control of John Malkovich, and thus a party naturally ensues. Anyhow, the obvious question that popped into mind after hearing the premise of this movie, was what would we do if we had control of Natalie?

1- Stand for hours in front of a mirror naked.

2- Find my own body, get a bed, a video camera, and do what comes naturally.

3- Repeat step number 1.

4- Repeat step number 2.

5- Repeat steps number 1 &2 repeatedly.

Anyhow, I guess I'll take suggestions on what you all think we should be doing if we had power of attorney over Natalie.

issue #2 convict moby

Well, if you've been keeping up with Natalie news lately, you've heard of this story. Apparently the Pseudo-musician known as MOBY, had somewhat of a romantic relationship with Natalie a few years ago. For those of you who don't know, Moby is in his mid-thirties, and the relationship occured when Natalie was 17. Does anyone else see how wrong this is? Actually, not only is it wrong, it's ILLEGAL!!!

Now that we've established that what Moby was doing was against the law, the only issue that remains is- What're we going to do about it? The answer is easy. Send his DJ'ing ass to jail !!!!!! Let's see what kind of "lovin'" he can get in there. Trust me everybody, not only do we need to do this for Natalie's safety, but we need to do this to make an example out of Moby, and all others who dare to touch our Goddess.

issue #3 natalie & the golden globes


That's right, Natalie was nominated for a Golden Globe as best supporting actress for Anywhere But Here. But, as a shock to the global community, Natalie didn't win. Angelina Jolie won. If you're like me, you're probably thinking the same exact thought. Who? Angelina won for that "chickier than chick flick" Girl Interuppted. Regardless of the stupid title, Jolie beating Natalie has led me to one conclusion. The awards were rigged. They MUST have been for Natalie to lose. Now the next obvious question would be, by who? Who could do something so evil? Who could do something so awful? Who could do something so incredibly horrible?

Yup, you guessed it- the French. "Jolie" sounds awfully froggy to me, and this sounds EXACTLY like something the French would do. Out of extreme jealousy, they took the Golden Globe out of our Hebrew Wonder of the World's hands, and gave it to that big lipped weirdo. Anyway, the French have done plenty of awful things in their pitiful exsistence, but this time they crossed the line. "THE NATALIE LINE". They may wuss out on us in War World 2, they may be rude to us when we visit their dirty country, they may spread that stupid language, and they may make terrible, terrible art- but this time they've gone too far! So what are we as Natalie supporters going to do about it?

issue #4 the next holy war - for natalie

Much like the holy wars of the past- we must launch another crusade to right the wrongs of society! So what does this mean? We Natalie-ites must move to take on the French! How do we do this? We cut off their croissont/beret/wussy moustache/poutine supply! Their entire society will crumble in weeks!

issue #5 vote natalie for pres.

So, you want to start a REAL movement? So, you want to make a REAL difference? Then follow my lead here. If you've been following American politics, you know that the country pretty much runs itself. Any idiot can step into the office and run the country- so why not an 18 year old university student/part-time actress? Sounds brilliant doesn't it? And she already as experience- she did run an ENTIRE PLANET (Naboo) ... DURING WAR TIME even! Well, its an election year, and I suggest that we do something about it. For all you Americans reading who are of voting age, jump on the bandwagon and vote for Natalie this November for president. Just make Natalie your "write in", and with enough votes, we'll have the hottest president EVER! (Not counting Woodrow Wilson. That boy was a piece of ass.) Sure, there are a couple of things we may have to overcome.

1. Natalie isn't the minimum age required (35)

2. Natalie wasn't born in the United States (Israel) and

3. Natalie most likely won't be campaigning much... y'know... with school and all.. and the fact that she doesn't know she's running... but why get stuck on petty details?

All that's just going to make our lives a little bit harder, but it'll be worth it! Will you ever miss a president's address now? Will any country ever dare mess with the United States? Of course not... not only that, half the country will probably volunteer to be her intern. That'll spark more world interest in world politics!


issue #6 natalie's st. bart's vacation

Well, it seems like everyone wants to know what I think of those now "infamous" nude vacation pics of Natalie. For those of you who have been living under a big fat rock in a cave, and don't know the story, i'll fill you in. Our dear goddess was vacationing on the lovely island of St. Bart, when she decided to catch some rays on the beach. While lying on the warm sun, she noticed that maybe her tan could be a little more "even". So throwing caution to the wind- our dear Natalie decided to remove the upper half of her bathing suit. Well, naive little Natalie obviously didn't anticipate a Tabloid Newspaper photographer happily snapping pictures of her "sans covering". Anyhow, those pictures found their way into the British Sun, and on the internet in about ten minutes. Needless to say, it quickly sent Natalie fans to the message boards, and 13 year old boys to that "special place in the back of the closet" with a box of kleenex and hand lotion.

Anyhow, everyone seemed to want to know what I thought of this entire situation... ... whatever... I saw the pictures.. I liked the pictures... and besides the fact that one of them is now the wallpaper on my computer desktop, I don't think the pictures are much of a big deal. I mean... people go topless on the beach all the time... If I had a nickel for everytime some photographer snuck a picture of me while I was sunbathing on the beach, I'd be rich! Anyway, calm down guys- its not that big a deal... BUT...

issue #7 the natalie beach contest

That's no reason we can't have a little fun with the situation. Anyway, the newsletter wouldn't be the newsletter if I didn't shine some light on your pathetic little lives and get you involved a little- So, here's your chance to get involved.

DESCRIBE IN 20 WORDS OR LESS- WHAT YOU THOUGHT/FELT/DID WHEN YOU FIRST SAW THE NUDE NATALIE PICS

Send in your entry, I'll post it- and the winner will get an advancement in title in the Natalie Portman army. Oh yeah, for those of you freaks who haven't seen the pics, you can check them out at www.natalie-portman.net ... dig around a bit, they're there... but they ARE censored. I don't want to get firebombed, so I'm not going to advertise where you can get the total nude ones. Anyway, I've entertained you enough for now, so leave me alone- Besides, I've given you a homework assignment, so get off your lazy asses already and get working!

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The Natalie Portman Newsletter

is a work of "PROPZ - Publishing"

Please do not post this newsletter on your website without asking first-

unless you are a really hot chick.

The newsletter was written by

Anthony Van-Pham with help from

the MOMIN BROTHERS.

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