Natalie Portman

SPECIAL MILLENNIUM EDITION

Toronto Ontario.

00:01 EST.

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Natalie's Port-al "Let's Ride Through Together"

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Yes, I've been gone for a month, but I'm coming back with an "umph". It's the special millennium edition of Natalie's Portal. So sit back, grab a beer, a pillow, a box of certs, a cd player, 3 tubes of glue, a bucket of red paint, a tube of Vaseline, and a pair of ear muffs, cause you're gonna need them all if you're gonna try and get through this baby!!!!

Anyway, a lot has happened since we last left the world of Natalie, but we all know how I like to ramble, so before I get into the meat of this baby, I'd like to say...

I hope you had a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, a Krazy Kwanza, a Respectful Ramadan, a Terrific Tet, a Super Scientologist day, and a Surreal Satanist Sunday. I for one practice the wonderful religion of Snake Handling, but far be it for me to impose my religious beliefs on you.... *cough*, Scientologists are weirdoes, *cough*.... *hack* Marilyn Manson sucks, *sneeze*.

Anyhow, I promised you a millennium celebration, so let's get BUZ-AY.

issue #1 natalie Y2K compliant?

Some people may not know this, but when Natalie was created 18-some odd years ago, they did not anticipate the year 2000 in her programming. What does this mean? Well, when the wonderful Gods created her, (because let's face it, something that perfect couldn't be manufactured the old fashioned way), they were using the old fashioned 2 digit programming method. So again, what does this mean? Could Natalie have gone kaput when the years rolled over to double zero? Possibly. Or even WORSE! Internal programming errors within Natalie will begin to occur, causing her to make mistakes and poor decisions. Infact, maybe they already have! Like what kind of poor decisions? How about sneaking into an over 21 club with a fake ID. Obviously, the old Natalie, with the intelligence of a bright Harvard student, would know that it's unwise for a FAMOUS person, to use a fake ID. Being famous obviously defeats the purpose of, say, the FAKE ID!!! So, naturally, since this was such a blatantly stupid error, us here at the newsletter using our numerous sources and computer technology, can only come to the conclusion that Natalie must have made like Windows 95, and crashed. If you don't believe us, think about the other recent poor decisions has made lately, IE = Anywhere But Here and Where the Heart Is. E-Gads. Not only that, but Natalie no longer knows the difference between the year 2000, and the year 1900! How is Natalie going to be able to deliver social security checks? How is she going to give money to people who try and withdraw through ATM's? The world will descend into Chaos!!!! CHAOS!

... but the past is in the past, what we need to know now, is how to fix it...

issue #2 natalie 2000

Yes, I bet you thought it couldn't be possible, but we here at the newsletter propose that we build a new, improved Natalie, dramatically named, NATALIE 2000. On top of being Y2K compliant, the new Natalie will be vastly superior in every way. How so? Let us rundown the new features, of the NATALIE 2000.

1- Improved Movie Selection Capabilities - it's obvious that glitches caused Natalie to look at the script for WHERE THE HEART IS, and think, "wow, this looks good"... in the future, NATALIE 2000 will not make such errors- as a bonus, NATALIE 2000 will now also have the ability to choose more scripts where her character is forced to wear a lot more spandex, and perform a lot more gymnastic like moves.

2- Improved Karate Chop Motion - Just for fun really.

3- Better Interview Performance- Must we be forced to sit through boring Oprah Interviews? Not with Natalie 2000. Quite frankly, I like the rest of you, are sick of hearing about how well Natalie does in school during interviews. With Natalie 2000, all Natalie will do when she appears on shows like Lettermen or Leno, is change outfits for 10 minutes. It's so brilliant, yet so simple!

4- Better "If You're Famous a FAKE ID won't work" Recognition. - No more embarrassing situations for any of us.

5- Better music preference- Because quite frankly, PORTISHEAD scare the bejezus out of me.

Other "random" improvements of NATALIE 2000 include, hair with better hold, nicer feet, less nerdy tendencies, the ability to avoid dog crap while walking, and of course, better flexibility! Options we can all enjoy =)

issue #3 natalie and the fake ID

Okay, seriously now, who didn't get a serious case of the giggles after reading this story? If you didn't, you take this stuff WAY too seriously. I mean, a FAMOUS person using a FAKE ID. That is just TOO funny. But after the hilarity passes, other things come to mind. For one thing, who was the person who told Natalie she couldn't enter the club? What gives this little punk the right? If Natalie wants to go inside the club, she goes IN the club. If Natalie doesn't want to do her homework but get an A anyway, Natalie doesn't do her homework and gets an A anyway! If Natalie wants to jam a screw driver into your kidney, GUESS WHAT? Natalie should be able to drive a screwdriver into your ribcage! HOW DARE THIS JABRONE SAY NO TO NATALIE! A person saying "no" to Natalie, could only mean one thing...

This Bouncer is SATAN.

This is the conclusion I have come to. There is no other one, because it's obvious that no HUMAN could resist her charms. Any guy would be so taken, he would let her in. Any GIRL, would be so charmed, SHE would let her in. Even if its an all leather night club in the heart of San Francisco, and the guy at the door is named BRUCE, JULIAN, or LANCE, that guy would still let her in. That's right everybody, Natalie has the ability to make people change teams! So its obvious that this guy who said no is the ANTI-Christ- and he's arrived just in time for the millennium. I suggest we repent for our sins now.

issue #4 the challenge heard around the world

First off, this idea isn't totally mine, I got it off a message board, but what the hey? Finders Keepers. Anyhow, here in North America, a new movie starring Jim Carey opened titled "Man on the Moon." It's a biopic about the life of comedian Andy Kaufman. If you know nothing about Andy Kaufman, know that he was intrigued with PRO-Wrestling. Anyhow, he was famous for challenging WOMEN to wrestle with him- and died as the undefeated INTER-GENDER Wresting Champion. Anyway, in the spirit of Andy Kaufman, I will lay down a challenge.

I AM RIGHT NOW, CHALLENGING NATALIE PORTMAN TO A WRESTLING MATCH.

Come on Natalie, I know your moves! You ain't so tough! Of course, as with any wrestling match, we have to lay some ground rules.

Rule #1. This isn't WWF/WCW/ECW wrestling, this is gonna be purely Olympic Style - Greco-Roman style wrestling. So Natalie can put me in a head scissors for all day if she wants to.

Rule #2. This is WRESTLING, so no punching or kicking. Maybe spanking, but we'll see.

Rule #3. Instead of a blue gym mat like the ones they use in the OLYMPICS, the wrestling will occur on my waterbed.

Rule #4. The whole thing will be videotaped- purely for record and professional reasons.

Anyway, I fully intend on opening up a can o' whup ass, if ya smell what the A-Man is cookin'! Anyhow, the challenge has been sent. Come on Queen Amidala! Let's see if you're so tough without that phaser!

Anyhow, that'll wrap things for this newsletter. Happy New Year everyone, and happy holidays! Make sure you look out for each other, because tis' the season right? Anyhow, before I go, I promised I'd plug a few sites.

www.girlcelebrities.com/natalieportman is a cool Natalie site, and is going to (or already does) carry the newsletter. Check it out, it's pretty sweet. Anyway, enough of this corporate schilling, i'm OFF to celebrate the New Years the way God intended it to be celebrated. DRUNK OFF MY ASS!

God Bless'
AVP

"There's Profit in the Love of Hate
So we must Fight some More"