Natalie Portman

Toronto Ontario.

Ah the Newsletter, a week late once again.

Like clockwork...

hehehe.

Ah, what're you gonna do?

Anyhow, welcome aboard everybody, its Newsletter #10.

Holy Crap. I've already made 10 of these things?

Holy Crap, did you know that when I originally started this newsletter, it went to exactly 12 people?

Holy Crap, did you know that I still have NO idea how many people actually read this thing?

Holy Crap, did you know that I'm choosing to write this instead of doing homework?

Holy Crap, did you know that I'm choosing to write this instead of going outside and living some kind of life?

Holy Crap, I've written Holy Crap a bunch of times.

How can you make Crap Holy anyway?

Anyhow, enough of this nonsense, just a few things I'd like to say before I get on with things.

So in the last newsletter, I asked for your help in helping me figure out all this ORAC/Pip nonsense.

After about 100-or so responses, I realized that I shouldn't have asked, because quite frankly, it was a boring topic.

One thing I did find humorous though was that everybody who did write in, added "you didn't hear this from me," or "this is off the record" at the bottom of their emails.

Come on you guys! Who the hell are either of these guys?

Why should we be scared of them? UNITE dammit, UNITE!!

Sheesh. Sometimes I just want to quit it all and write newsletters about Jonathon Taylor Thomas' career.

Speaking of which, guess what movie came out yesterday? Yes, Anywhere But Here. Anyhow, I'm sure most of you Nata-a-holiks will be rushing out to the theatres as we speak, hoping to soak in Natalie's holiness. Just remember that I warned all of you a 2 months ago, after I saw it at the TIFF that the movie isn't very good. Not that the movie's quality will matter to any of you, I just thought I should say it again.

If you want to get entertained at a movie for non-Natalie reasons, go see DOGMA. What a great movie. Catholics be proud! We must UNITE! Dammit we must UNITE! Well, except for the Catholics in France. They can just stay inside.

Anyway, I have about 20-thousand Haiku's to post up, so I better charge on through Nat's Portal.

issue #1 the natalie charity

Any idea how many charities there are around these days? Thousands probably. There's a charity for people with this, and a charity for people like that, and the biggest scam charity in the business, UNICEF. I mean, do those poor children in third nation countries really need pennies from Halloween? You can't eat pennies! Send them food for goodness sakes! Send them the candy from those Halloween buckets right next to the Unicef boxes! Anyway, quite frankly, who knows where to go with money these days? Well, I've got an idea. The Natalie Charity. How will this work? Well, you take whatever spare money you have, and throw it at her. Just go up to her, and throw her whatever money you have in her pockets. Although it would probably be ill-advised to throw change. Well, what's exactly the point of throwing money at a rich doctor's daughter, who will be able to live off Star Wars revenues for the rest of her life?

What else are you going to do with it? I can't think of anything better. Natalie in her eternal wisdom will surely be able to find something terrific to do with it. Like buying several attractive outfits. Doing her hair in new and exciting ways. Both these things alone give us more pleasure than helping out some stupid Greenpeace charity when you think about it.

issue #2 n-tv

I watched Natalie on Oprah the other day. It was awful. Why? Because other people were on the show. Including Oprah. Yikes. Anyhow, it occurred to me that amongst all the specialty channels, there are none devoted to Natalie. Seriously. I mean, COME ON! There's a freakin' GOLF CHANNEL out there! If any of you can honestly say that you'd rather watch a man wearing funny clothing swing a club at a ball, then Natalie, please proceed to the nearest bridge and jump off it. You'll be doing both yourself, and society a favor. Anyhow, exactly how would the Natalie Channel work? Well, we get a camera, we get Natalie, and the rest pretty much programs itself.

Oh yeah, I probably should ask you guys to do something, since this newsletter got so damn interactive for some reason. Umm... Come up with TV shows for Natalie to be in, or star in, and I'll pick the best ones, blah blah blah. Basically the same thing I do every week.

Sheesh, I'm starting to get repetitive within an individual newsletter. I should just put myself to sleep.

issue #3 the natalie haiku contest

So I asked you guys to send in Haiku's, and boy did you guys ever. The author of the Haiku is listed next to the Haiku. At the bottom of it all, I'll say who won the whole thing.

The Hexx

Natalie is cute
Why does she have to be cute?
It means I've no chance

Honey, I love you
and yes, I will marry you
But you're no Portman

Stanley

My Heart Yearns For You

Its Pure Love Is Sealed For You

But, Hidden From You

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Brown-eyed brunette waif
Smart and sure of her future
always brilliant

Jonathan Hassell

When she was a girl.

Leon taught her how to clean.

But now she's a Queen.

Brian Kloefkorn

Natalie Portman
The most beautiful of all
I dream to meet her

The queen over all
Ruling with grace, bringing joy
Natalie Portman

None other compares
Charm and beauty above all
Natalie Portman

She isn't perfect
But no one else comes this close
Natalie Portman

Tim Fang

i will clean her shoes,
also save the world for her,
if sh'll be my queen.

jeff takaki

River flowing down

Streaming under love of mine

Keeps me floating high

Once called, "beautiful"

Young girl I knew so little

Now she is a queen

I ask, "do you sing?"

With birds and bees in sweet song...

"Will you sing with me?"

A fan, just a fan

I plaster myself with her

Natalie collage

Descending from sky

Consummate illusion girl

Simply dream come true

Smart to just one fault

Harvard student with high goals

Friend of Lukas Haas

Stepped on doggy doo

Mommy washed her stinky mess

She's high maintennance

Kill harvard doggies

Kill harvard doggy owners

Clean harvard doodoo

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Natalie is cute
No man is worthy of her
She is so sexy

Bob Jackson

I want to know her
Beauty just like a lotus
Soul just like a bird

Jared Schwartz

I will not eat meat
But for sweet Natalie
I will kill a dog.

Michael Reyes

I saw her on screen.

She changed my life from that day.

My one love till death.

Stuart Mackenzie

Natalie Portman is the best
Fitter than Pammy, Gellar and the rest
End of story - SHUT IT!

Peter Bowen

She does have brown eyes
Brown eyes are very sexy
Damn, need a tissue

Rejean Bouchard

We all love the queen
But I am the only French
Who realy care about her

bars of fist

Title: Ethan Hol

Don't Like French or Wine

I Hope Natalie Likes Beer

Me alcoholic

Tim Fang

I LOVE NATALIE,
I LOVE NATALIE A LOT,
I LOVE NATALIE.

Matt Cassidy

Watch out! Don't step there!
Vegetarian or not,
I would clean her shoes.

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Natalie is hot.
I wish i had Natalie.
Smart as well as hot.

John Ronald

she held me tightly
her lips were pressed against mine
why did i wake up?

she said she loved me
i told her i'd die for her
it was then she cried

in the beginning
there was natalie portman
and then God made man

she's pretty and smart
she's cool and sexy and sweet
she's simply soooo HOT!

there is only one
but so many men want her
is this world war III?

Anyway, as for who won? Well, there was a three way tie for the top. Two by Eddie IV, and one by my bud Pirana.

Eddie IV

Nat's at Harvard now.
You think I could get into
Harvard Special Ed?

Noodles soiled Nat's shoes.
Nat freaked out; sent the shoes home.
Two words: Therapy.

Pirana

She stepped in dog shit

I'd be happy to lick it

But Mom got to it

Ah the genious that flows through the internet. Anyway, i've given you two assignments this newsletter! So get cracking! And yes, I realize that I pretty much went on Auto-Pilot in writing this newsletter, but you're not exactly paying money for this either are you? Yes, hang your heads in shame! Anyway, til' next time.

Peace, Love & Blame France!
*~* AVP *~*

"All I Need are Cigarettes & Alcohol
Coz' You Could Wait For a Lifetime
To Spend Your Days in the Sunshine
You Might as Well Do the White Line"