Natalie Portman

Toronto Ontario.

Hey everyone, its time once again to slip through Natalie's Portal.

Anyway, this is once again coming out a week late. Sorry guys. But what the newsletter lacks in punctuality, it makes up for in chutzpah. Okay, it doesn't even have chutzpah. You're wasting as much of your life reading these things, as I am writing them. But then again, if you went outside, you'd probably head towards the nearest arcade, or movie theatre, so you'd be pretty much wasting your life there too. Oh well, at least indoors you have access to pictures of Natalie.

First off, just a few RANDOM THOUGHTS and questions before we get started.

Who the hell is PIP? I've heard his name mentioned on message boards and such, but I have no idea who he is, and why everyone cares who he is. Does he have a website or something?

I know who ORAC is, but I don't know why everyone hates him so much. Tell me dammit, tell me! Oh yeah, and give me specific examples, I don't wany any responses like, "Because he's not nice." Besides the fact that he's French, I don't remember him doing anything particularly bad.

How anyone could possibly like that LFO- Summer Girls song is beyond me.

I'm sure they'll go on to have many, many more hits... pff... *chuckle*. Yeah right.

Oh yeah, and that stupid Mambo #5 song sucks too.

Does Ricky Martin scare the hell out of anyone else?

Over the past five or six months, I've seen The Sixth Sense, Notting Hill, Blair Witch, Episode 1, Three Kings, American Beauty, Fight Club, Eyes Wide Shut, and Anywhere But Here. And the only movie I can honestly say that I did not throughly enjoy, was Anywhere But Here. Oh well.

Anyway, the movie season is seriously going to start heating up again. Not only is ABH going to open soon, but on the very same date, Dogma, and The Messanger are opening up too. If you don't know anything about The Messanger, its the new Luc Besson movie, he's the dude who directed The Fifth Element, and everyone's fav movie, The Professional. Needless to say, Dogma will rock, because Kevin Smith rocks.

Oh yeah, and thanks to all of you who have written to me since the last newsletter. It got the most response ever! It actually crashed my email server for an hour and a half. And ALL the real emails were positive. ;)

Could Maxim be the greatest magazine ever? Honestly, Pullitzer could learn something from these guys. The newest Maxim with Jennifer Love Hewitt on the cover, has given me the strength to basically continue in life.

Anyway, enough stalling, so Bawitdaba, and Blah Blah Blah, let's get it on.

If you guys have been paying any attention to recent Natalie news, you would have most likely heard this story.

Natalie was royally walking around her University campus, when she stepped in a big pile of dog waste. Well, being the royal princess she is, Natalie refused to clean off her shoes herself, but rather chose to wait until she could go back to New York the next weekend, and get her mom to clean them. Yes seriously. Anyway, if you read this story, you probably had the exact same reaction I did...

issue #1 punishments for the dog

Yes, that was my first reaction when I heard this story. This dog must be punished. This dog MUST PAY! How dare this lowly mutt sully Natalie in any way. What gives it the right? Imagine the years of anguish this is going to cause our lovely Natalie. Not only must her shoes now be cleaned, but they'll also have to get disinfected now too! My God, will there be no end to her suffering?Anyway, as her royal army, we must act fast and viciously to make sure that justice is served. How do we do this? Here are a list of quick, but relatively easy methods of dog punishments that I've learned over the years. (I attended Catholic school as a child... don't ask.)

1. Send the Dog to France.

2. Send the Dog to Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch. I'd hate to see what spawns from THAT union.

3. Cast the dog as Jar Jar Binks in Episode 2.

4. Cast the dog as Jar Jar Binks in Episode 3.

5. Surgically change the dog, so it will forever be Jar Jar Binks.

6. Make the dog sit through George Lucas' weekly perm job.

7. Enroll the dog into the Colorado School of Mines.

And let this stand as an example to anyone, or anything else that wants to mess with Natalie. That could be you flying coach on a Suisse Air flight to France!

On a related note, I was surfing the message boards right after this story hit the sheets, and a lot of people had a lot of things to say. But the funniest was this one guy who said he could now describe Natalie in two words.

"High Maintenence."

Yeah, I got a good laugh at that.

Although, if anyone was worth the ocassional tune-up, fluid change, and brake job, it would be Natalie.

issue #2 the next anakin revisited

Well, believe it or not, the choice for the next Anakin Skywalker is probably really close to being made. Di Caprio? Van Der Beek? Jackson? Phillipe? We've all heard the list of potential people to play Anakin, and quite frankly, I don't think there is one person who will make everyone happy. A while ago, I personally recommended that Ryan Phillipe be given the role of Anakin. Why? Well, I had various reasons, including the fact that he was married already to Reese Witherspoon, and would be too whipped to pretty much do anything. It was shortly after that, I was sent an email by someone who had an even better actor to play the next Anakin.

A Sock Puppet!

At first I was a bit confused, but it began to make perfect sense. A sock puppet has twice the acting skills of a Leonardo Di Caprio, and half the wussiness factor of a James Van Der Beek. A sock puppet would also be starting fresh, so it wouldn't have a history of past box office duds like Phillipe. ie Cruel Intentions, and the atrocious 54. And finally, the sock puppet would have infinitely better hair than Joshua Jackson. It made perfect sense! Someone call the head honchos at ILM!

Of course, there are problems with having a Sock Puppet play the next Anakin Skywalker. The first being who gets to be the puppeteer. Just so there won't be any problems, I volunteer my hand for those pesky Amidala/Anakin love scenes.

issue #3 the natalie portman poetry contest

This is basically going to be like the Natalie Portman Dream Date thing I started earlier, only this time it'll take more of a contest format. Send in your poems about Natalie. What are the rules? There's only one. It HAS to be a HAIKU. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the art of Haiku, it works like this. The poem has to have three lines. The first line would have five syllables, the second seven, the third five. Send them in, and I'll post them. First place goes up in rank in the Natalie Portman Army! We're slowly taking over the world, and we will soon be more powerful than the Germans! The Germans being the people who are secretly in charge of the world right now. They're just like the Matrix, in control of everything, only you just don't know it.

Anyhow, I have a couple of examples for you. Remember the "Co-Editors" of this paper? The Momin Brothers? Well guess what? They actually have contributed again! Wow! Two weeks in a row! No one is in more shock than me. Anyway, if you can top this Haiku by Momin Brother #1, which by the way I think is absolute BRILLIANCE, I will be VERY impressed.

She Lives in New York.

Many Guys Live in New York.

Touch Her and You Die.

Don't worry if you can't top that. I doubt anyone will. But don't let that keep you from trying! Come on, send those babies in!

Anyhow, I guess that'll wrap up this newsletter. Yeah I know its kind of short considering I took an extra week. Hey, but you're not exactly paying for these either now are you????? Anyway, remember that I've given you a homework assignment with this Haiku thing, so let's get cracking.

_________________

Editor/Writer

AVP

Co-Editor/Contributer

The Momin Bros. This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

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Luv - Peace - & - OA515
AVP

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"You Don't Have To Believe What You Say,
When You Don't Care What You Mean"

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A Haiku
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I'm Canadian.
That's like an American.
But without the gun.
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