Toronto Ontario.
Hey everyone! Welcome to Natalie's Port-al.
Incase you haven't read this before, its the Natalie Newsletter where I pretty much do the same thing, over and over, until you either die of boredom from reading, or I die of boredom from writing. Well... writing and maybe alcoholic poisoning.
Anyway before I start, I guess I should straighten a few things out first.
First of all, two weeks ago I put myself through a marathon writing session. I did two newsletters, over one weekend.
Newsletter #6, which contained my Anywhere But Here review, and "Meeting Natalie Story", was quickly followed up the next day by #7, which pretty much was just a follow up to #6.
Anyhow, Newsletters #6, & #7 easily garnered the most response in history from all of you. I remember, the day after I sent in #7, I had to reply to 30-something emails from 1:00 pm, to 3:00 pm, all wondering whether or not I really met Natalie.
Yes you simpletons, I really did meet Natalie. I explained it pretty clearly in Newsletter #6. I explained exactly what happened, before and after meeting her. It was the complete truth, and I didn't embelish the story at all.
As for Newsletter #7, I pretty much went off the deep end.
If you don't remember exactly what I wrote, I pretty much went through this FAKE story, about how I not only met Natalie, but the two of us danced the night away in a posh hotel ballroom, before I romantically proposed marriage. She swooned, and then she accepted.
Of course none of THAT is true, it was just a fun little story I made up, and one that I thought a lot of you would enjoy reading.
Infact, I thought I made it pretty clear that I was just joking...
I mean, I did everything I possibly could do to imply that I was joking, other than just outright writing it...
Apparently, implying is not enough for some of you.
Here's where it got goofy... and on some levels... just plain sad.
A few days ago, a moron, (and I don't use the word moron lightly), wrote me an angry email.
He claimed that he was personal friends with Natalie Portman, and that he was attending Harvard with her this fall. He also said that he was disgusted with what I wrote in the newsletter. He called me a liar, and claims to have printed out my newsletter, and given it to Natalie. After reading the newsletter, she was apparantly shocked, and distraught that someone apparently had been writing these horrible lies about her...
the dude's name was -Mike Larson-
Three things bothered me about this.
The first being, that even though this idiot claimed to be attending Harvard, he still didn't possess the inductive reasoning skills to figure out that the Newsletter #7 was a joke.
The second being, that Natalie, someone who we know is attending Harvard, and is thus, very intellegent, couldn't pick up on it either.
The third being, that Natalie would waste her time with someone who is obviously slower than a dented paint can, and is probably an anti-social pervert, and who spends all his time trolling the internet, while looking up information from Natalie Portman websites, even though he's good friends with her.
I came to the conclusion that not only is he an idiot, he must be a liar.
He's not friends with Natalie. He doesn't know her.
Anyhow, things got slightly weirder.
After I replied to Mr. Larson's email in a witty, but possibly somewhat insulting way, he figured that since he himself doesn't have the intellegence, or probably the "Y" chromosone to respond, it would be fitting to contact a friend who apparantly did.
A few days later, I get another email, this time from Mike's friend "James".
A thing to point out, is that even though Mike Larson, and James are separate people, they are both responding from the same email account... which is using the name Niles Hernandez for some odd reason. I guess its safe to assume that since they're both using the same account, they both live in the same house, and are probably more than just roomates. Anyhow, feeling a tad Sherlock Holmes'ish, James took it upon himself to analyze the Newsletters. He cleverly pointed out that I wrote...
" in issue #6 you said:
>>>"I could tell she was really tired with the hectic hell that is the Toronto Film Festival, and >>>probably just wanted to get to her hotel room."
AND
>>>"I just left the movie 3 hours ago"
yet in issue #7 you said:
>>>"After dancing until the wee hours of the morning, we both decided that maybe it was time to get to bed. "
Anyway, feeling mighty good about his discovery, he went on to point out that,
" desperate liars like you that live in a fantasy world and spread this crap around about a friend of my friend needs to be stopped... and you can be sure, that this WILL get around..."
Wow James, good work!
I bet you feel all big and tough.
I bet you feel all smart and clever.
I bet you feel proud of yourself that you got to point out something that would supposedly expose me as a liar.
Okay you two morons, sit down, shut your mouth, know your goddam role, and read this, and then I will be done with the both of you forever.
You're both pathetic, and you're both stupid beyond words.
I'm not saying that as an insult. I'm just saying the truth.
The fact that you two made it this far in life, just shows that social assistance really does work.
Because you two obviously didn't make it this far in life without some government financed support which helps people with mental disabilities.
If you read the newsletter #7 carefully, and took the time to put down that fourth Arby's hamburger of the day which was blocking the monitor, you would have seen...
"I'm sure a lot of you thought I would be a nervous wreck upon meeting Natalie who wouldn't be able to squeeze a work out of my throat. I'm sure a lot of you thought I would just stand there and nod like an idiot while she asked me a few polite questions, and that I wouldn't be able to stop shaking, or keep any train of thought due to the fact that I was standing so close to her.
Pff...
Like that would EVER happen
I mean, how pathetic do you think I am?
...
...
...
Leave me alone, I saw her and none of YOU losers did. So THERE!
Ah. That's better."
Did you read that part?
Did you pick up on the fact that this means I was just joking?
Did you pick up on the fact that this says what really happened?
Did you pick up on the fact 95% of the people who read this newsletter got that it was a joke, and that this last blurb was the truth?
Did you pick up on the fact that I never took you seriously, and that the only thing that made me write a response, is not that your email itself made me angry, its that stupidity in general makes me angry?
Did you pick up on the fact, that even if you do know Natalie, (and I can almost guarentee that you don't) that she doesn't like you, and that she doesn't want to be your friend, but she just talks to you out of guilt. Much like Lisa Simpson gave Ralph Wiggum that valentine?
Did you pick up on the fact, that you had no idea who Natalie Portman was until Star Wars Episode 1 was released, and you could end your crushes on all those hot Star Trek girls?
She doesn't like you. She doesn't even know you. If she did know you, she still wouldn't like you.
You just made the entire story up. You don't know her, you'll never know her. You even made up your stupid little friend "James", and your fake name "Mike". Do you hear that Niles?
You're a pathetic lonely teenager, who spends all your Saturday nights alone in your room, while your mother tells her friends not to worry about you, because you're just a "late bloomer".
You thought it would be fun to get the attention of someone on the internet, and you tried your darndest to be clever but failed.
I guess I'll just have to remember that morons like you have somehow learned to use a computer.
I can only assume you did learn by watching and mimicking other more intellegent people, while they worked on their computers, much like an ape learns to do sign language.
And just to finish you off, I did notice one last thing.
You say that you're at Harvard?
You expect me to believe that you're from Harvard because the signature of your emails say...
Harvard University electronic mail program (HUEMP)
Office of Undergraduate Admissions
University of Harvard
51 Brattle Street
Cambridge, MA 02138-3722 ???????
Well let me ask you one thing then, how come the return email address from the email that you sent me, is from "@uswest.net".
A "US-West" account wouldn't make much sense if you were attending an Eastern school like Harvard would it?
How do you like THAT piece of detective work?
How do you like it now that you've been exposed as the pathetic scam artist that you are?
Please don't read my newsletters anymore. I'd hate to think that I would have to dumb it down for idiots like you.
Oh yeah, and its nice to see that you didn't email me back either, you wuss.
dum de dum. anyway, thanks for reading, and I guess this is it for the newsletter this week.
Business cleared up fairly early this week don'tcha think?...
do be do be do... oh wait... I haven't actually written anything yet have I?
Sheesh, I better get to that now.
Issue #1 the seventh sense
Oh yeah, I had a little help with this part. Remember the Momin Bros? Those guys at the bottom of these newsletters who get partial credit, even though they never do anything? Guess what? They actually did something! Well, one of them at least. Anyhow, we were hanging out last week, discussing the new Bruce Willis movie, The Sixth Sense. Incase you don't know what its about, its about this little kid who has... "A Sixth Sense". Catchy title no? He can basically see "things" other people can't. Of course, none of that was truly important, until we sat down and thought about how we could put that into the perspective of Natalie.
Imagine, if we were super human beings, or aliens maybe, who had more than the basic five senses. Imagine, an extra sense to enjoy Natalie in!!! We could watch her movies on, "another level". We could look at her magazine pictures, and "sense" their "glow", their "love", their "esthica" if you will. Of course, the problem with that is, sensory overload. If an alien or psychic with superhuman powers met Natalie, and took all of her in, its doubtful that he would be able to survive. The person/alien's mind would most likely either dissolve or blow up. We can barely handle her at five senses. In fact, at four it gets a little tricky. Anyhow, we need a name for this specific kind of thing. So the Natalie sense, will be now known as...
Extra Sensory Perception of Natalie.
or
ESPN - for short. Luckily that acronym has yet to be taken. Whenever you walk down the street, and see a picture of Natalie, whether on a billboard, or on a magazine cover, make sure you point and yell out, ESPN! ESPN! Don't worry, people will understand.
issue #2 virtual natalie
As unfair as this may seem, there is only one Natalie in the world. 6 Billion people in the world. One Natalie. I'll let that sink in for a moment.
Makes you want to end it all right here and right now doesn't it? How cruel would a life without Natalie be? I don't envy any of you. So to ease the pain, I move that we create more Natalie's. How do we do that? Make a virtual Natalie of course. Then we could unleash her through the internet. People can download a virtual Natalie like you would download Winamp, or ICQ. She would do a lot of the things real Natalie can do, like sing, dance, wear white make-up and weird costumes, heal lepars, and fight world hunger. Before we know it, every home in the world will have their own little Hebrew Wonder of the World they can call their own. World Peace will of course follow. I mean, once you have a Natalie in your home, what could you possibly be angry about? Of course, in order to get the brains behind this, we'll have to get a bunch of research scientists who are trying to cure some disease, and get them working on our side. Its for the greater good everyone... the greater good.
issue #3 your dream dates
Anyhow, last newsletter I asked all of you to get off of your collective bottoms, and write what you thought your dream date with Natalie would be like. Anyhow, a lot of you, have evidently put a lot of thought into this.
John Michael - wrote some stuff about his ideal Natalie date, and he's a fellow Canadian!
I'm trying to figure out how to woo this young lady.
Then a remarkable idea comes to mind. So I begin to put on my
clothes. Tommy Hilfiger shirt, and river washed jeans. slap on my Vans, and
woof, Im out the door. We previosly planned to meet at the best place to eat
in the city which I live. SO I get there, 5 minutes late. Im embarresed. I
apologize, more then once. She's wearing a nice tee, with jeans. we go in
this restraunt, She orders her meal, I order mine. We have casual
conversation about music and fashion. normally I wouldn't talk about the art
of fashion, but She said in an interview she loves it. After this the bill
takes away a good amount of what I have in my bank account. And I do have
one...
After the films over we walk to where ever
shes staying and critique the movie some of the way then wander off to
another conversation. Now we're at the doors, hmm... nows the time to woo
her. Hoping it works, I begin to raise my head, we make eye contact, and I
say "Well, I had a really good time tonight." Then I bend down and give her
a kiss on the cheek. Then as im leaving I turn around and say, "Oh, i forgot
to give you something." I had her a neatly folded note. she looks at the
note with confusion. she looks up and see's im already in yelling distance.
she opens the note and it say:
The beauty of the grand canyon, the stars above our heads, the beauty of a
feild of roses, cannot begin to be compared with beauty I was with tonight.
Its okay if you got a case of the sniffles after reading it... I did.
Anyway, moving on...
Anthony Da Luca - who was also the first EVER, subscriber to the newsletter.
We'd go to the movies of course. I would be on top 'Seinfeld' form
cracking wise as she laughed at everything I said. That would be cool.
Like two old friends we'd have an instant rapport, finishing each others
sentances and complaining about the same things. After the movie we'd
get ice cream some place and talk. No sleazy bars or pubs, none of that
crap. Only the best for Nat.
After, an autumn evening stroll thru a quiet park would take us to
some deserted swings. We would sit there slowly swinging, talking about
nothing. We'd stop. Whats this? I have a gift for her. I pull out of my
coat a small wrapped item. Excitedly she opens it. What is it you ask? A
daffy duck Pez dispenser! She is overjoyed with the lame gift or
moreover the thought behind it and quickly gives me a peck on the cheek.
I melt. Smiling innocently she carrys on swinging. I sit there unable to
move.
Awwwwww... Charles Martindale, what have you got to add?
After maybe 6 months to a year of building a friendship, she would tell
me that she's going to come to Ohio for some reason (business or something),
and that she wanted to meet me. I would agree to pick her up at the airport
and take her back to my house.
After meeting my family and hanging out for a while, we would go to the
mall and see a movie. People wouldn't give us a second glance. They
probably wouldn't recognize her without any publicity around.
After the movie we would go to a nice restaurant, since my town is
fairly small, it would probably be Applebee's. I wouldn't order anything
with meat on it because she's a vegetarian and I wouldn't want her to be
grossed out or anything.
Following dinner, we'd go to the hotel where she'd be staying and take a
moonlit swim. When that would be over, we'd say our goodnight's (kiss
maybe, I'd have to see how it goes) and I would leave. The next day we
would drive her to where she needed to be for business, and say our
goodbye's. We'd still keep in touch, and meet once in a blue moon, but we'd
never forget the magical (at least for me) first date.
Wesley S.? Your turn!
First off, I would go and pick her up at her house around 8:00 and would have had reservations at the greatest Italien resturant in town ready for us to arrive. The reason for being Italien would be that of the fact that we are both vegitarians. I would pull her chair out for her to be seated. We would order and i would ask here about all the things in her life. You know the movie's, but not so much that. I would like to talk to her about the real her. Not the one that you can see on the screen, but the one that you can only see with through her eye's. I believe that the only way that you can truely see a person is through there eye's. Sometimes you don't even have to talk. The eye's are stong enough to do the talking for you. (and i don't mean in a sexual way either) We would also talk about why we are vegitarians and what we like about it. I know that she is incredably smart so i would love to just sit there and listen to her talk about life, love, people, ect...!
!
"
"I would then pay, and take her to a park where we could just sit and talk. Looking up at the stars is the best thing to get your mind set on life. They hold all the things that we see to be beautiful. They are masterious and wonderfull to look at. Over near us would be a pond with ducks floating around on the water, and in the middle would be a waterfountain with all kinds of colors and apperances. We would talk about a lot of things and would never get tired of each other."
"After a while, when it got to late, i would drive her home. While walking here to the door i would tell her what a wonderfull time i had and how i couldn't thank her enough. All of time a space in my mind would stop. It would be just infanite happyness. I would feel as if all my life had been saving up to that one night and nothing could get better. I wouldn't kiss her, just the night would be enough to make me the happist man alive. Just one night with her. That, would be the perfect date with Natalie Portman."
Well, that's it. I know that you might be thinking, "what a looser, all he wanted to do is talk". Well, how is kissing a person going to help you get to know them. Only talking can do that. A person's mind is a hundred times more important that their bodie. I don't care. That is the way that it would be for me.
Stuart Mackenzie? How about you?
I write a letter to Natalie, a really enthralling letter, telling her a lot about myself, making quaint suggestions, kind comments, and really impressing here. Then, she either e-mails me(I'm precarious about that, cos, I mean, can she use a computer?), or writes to me. We perform the snail-mail ritual a few more times before she phones me (yeah, honest, she does!!), and informs me that she is in London. Now, I should have pointed out that I live in Birmingham, in central UK, that is about 100 miles from London, so, a short 2 hour car treck will do the trick......!
Natalie informs me that she is there to see the premiere of her new film, which I have heard all about, and was wondering if I (yes, ME!!) would like to be her guest, or partner, as she so delicately puts it, to the premiere. I immediately oblige her invitation (after a hot-flush. Well, wouldn't you!?).
As she called me in the morning, I have the day to get dressed, and get my mom, cos, after all, I am only 16, to drive me down. She is staying at the Ritz hotel, which is classy, of course, and I see a big guy waiting outside the door. He mutter's "are you Stuart Mackenzie?", "yes" I require, before being frisked (frisked for fuck-sake!).
After my little introduction to 'Biff', Nat's bodyguard, I am led (although it feels like escorted) to Nat's pad, which is a big penthouse on the top floor.
Biff opens the door, and there she is, this petite, stunning young lady, no, woman. She smiles at me, and comes over. I feel slightly uncomfortable, despite the fact I have been in contact with her for a year. I mean, you meet a Hollywood star for the first time, and you have not idea what to do (well, not anything legal!). She walks over, and hugs me, and gives me a peck on the check, so I throw her on the floor and fu.....oops, sorry bout that (bit carried away)! She hugs me really tightly, like I was someone she had waited to see for EVER, which makes me feel really comfortable. It is mid afternoon, and the premiere isn't for another 3 hours. So, we talk. She explains that, for the premiere, she has rented me out a suit, cos, after all, I gotta look the part.
She gets one of her assistants to bring over the suit, and I love it. Rather than traditional black, it's white, which showed that she took notice of a comment in a letter to her, saying "I don't like to dress like everyone else, I prefer standing out". She suggest I try it on, to which I quickly reply here. This makes her giggle,a nd give me a big cheerful smile, making me feel at ease with this woman who I have only ever seen on TV, before 30 minutes ago.
I leave the room, and go into a bedroom (Not Natalie's!). I put on the suit, and come out. Natalie is no where to be seen. My heart starts pounding. I feel all flustered, as I suddenly begin thinking that this was all a ploy (Well, you would, think about it!). But then, to my relief, she enters the room from the kitchen (yeah, there's a kitchen in this pad!). She offers me a Bacardi and Coke, which I informed her was my favourite drink.
We talk for another hour, or so, laughing about general things, and she seems really intrigued by my sense of humour, which she informed me "was the main reason for her writing back". Natalie sits there with a glass of vodka and orange, "to calm her nerves" she tells me. She seems to get very nervous appearing in front of large crowds, but, what else could be expected by someone who has been pestered by he media since appearing as Mathilda in Leon.
Eventually, another assistant enters the room, and Natalie asks me to "make myself at home", whilst she prepares herself for the evening. I find it mildly amusing to see Natalie followed by around 6 women into the room, and Biff wondering round the place, keeping a firm eye on me...
I decide I should try and make peace with the "man with no neck", as Natalie refers to him as. Any attempts fail. Damn!
Natalie emerges from the room an hour and a bit later, looking absolutely stunning. She is in a beautiful red dress, with a light blue crop down the sides. She has the figure of a Greek goddess. She notices the expression on my face, and blushes. So I quickly blurt out "WOW!". She smiles again (something of a habit, methinks).
We realise time is not on our side, and head off for the limo..hehe. I feel slightly uncomfortable, as, me being her partner, I wonder what to do, but, Natalie simply puts her arm around mine, and tells me "not to look like I'm in need of new underwear". I am so relieved about her being so out-going. Nothing like she is in interviews, and so on...!
We eventually arrive at the cinema, at Leicester square, and there is a large crowd out, all shouting Natalie. She asks me to wait by the car, whilst she goes fro her quick PR pics outside the cinema, and a short interview with a BBC guy, and someone from Sky News. Then she walks over, and takes my hand. then, there is a fluster of camera flashes. It suddenly dawns on me, that we look like a genuine couple. Natalie finds my reaction amusing, and plants a smacker on my cheek. Then, a journalist shouts, what's your name mate, to ME!! I think quickly, and then blurt out, Stuart Mackenzie, after all, I'm with Natalie Portman...!
We go into the film, and I am found sitting next to Matt Damon, who is with partner Minnie Driver (a main part in the film). I begin talking to Matt, until I realise that Natalie is also there for talking to. We spend most the film chatting away. You may find this hard to believe, but the lay-out of this "cinema", is different, as there are tables and chairs, rather than rows of seats.
Eventually, and in all honesty, to my relief, the film end's. She asks me what I thought, to which I reply "I'm impressed, you must of worked hard in that, cos you were great". I later realise what a lame comment this is, but it could have been worse!
We head back to the limo, after a further flurry of camera's, and, just before we leave the building, Natalie places her arm around my waist. I do the same to hers. She, gives me a really big stare, right into my eyes, and then explains that the night is far from over. I am relieved.
To shorten the rest of the night, we go out to a top restaurant, then I suggest a club, until I realise that we are not in the ideal gear to go and get smashed, plus, she is a little venerable. This is because of her request for Biff to leave us alone to have a nice night out. Biff did immediately obey her request, which impressed me somewhat.
After a really nice meal, we sat and talked for ages, and I felt more attracted to Natalie when I realised she seemed very attracted to me. I also noticed she was flirting, and rather well, cos it took me a while to suss it.
After consuming more alcohol, the eye contact became more prolonged, and a game of footsy began (o-err!). She eventually broke the ice, by requesting that we head back too the hotel, by foot, as it was getting late. Now, call me dim, but, being late, and walking on foot, practically contradict each other, don't they? So, I could guess what she had in mind :)
We headed outside, and as soon as we got past the restaurant, she dragged me down a secluded alley. I was pleasantly surprised, cos all I had done was be kind, witty, polite and humorous around her, and yet, she was all over me. And, to make me feel even more comfortable, she assured me this was not because of the drink (KA-CHING!!)
We kissed, and it was so erotic. She was a fantastic kisser, so sensuous, and new what she was doing. Then, she placed my right hand on her breasts, then reached for my crotch. Now, I will stop with the details there, but, let me tell you, I was not prepared to 'shag' her in a dark alley. No, we went back to the hotel, and made love, and it was fantastic. We were awake all night, passion was flying, and let me tell you, Natalie is the world's most prefect woman.
But, to top the night off, Natalie later revealed that this was "her first time", as she has never felt more comfortable with another man before tonight. She had plenty of practice in all the other departments, but, when it came to the big V, she had always been reluctant, and that made it even more special.
I stayed in her hotel with her for another 2 days, before she, tearfully, had to return to New York, but, I have been assured this was not a one - off (Note that we did it more than once), and that she would see me again very soon.
We have kept in touch via e-mail, since, she has taken computer lessons, and I am very proud to be able to call her, my partner.
Oh, and my mates were a tad jealous about me being in all the papers..
whew. Rather lengthy weren't they? Anyway, those were the ones that were sent in. I kept them at full length, even though I thought I would edit them originally. I didn't because they were suprisingly well written, and what the heck, they took the time to write, why shouldn't we all take the time to read?
Anyway, there were TONS of more stuff that I wanted to get to, but this newsletter quite frankly was long enough.
It of course was by FAR the longest so far, and quite frankly, I think I deserve a little pat on the back.
I think I'll go buy me an ice cream.
Til' next time.
_________________
Editor/Writer
AVP
Co-Editor/Contributer
The Momin Bros.
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
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Luv - Peace - & - OA515
AVP
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"You Don't Have To Believe What You Say,
When You Don't Care What You Mean"
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A Haiku
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I'm Canadian.
That's like an American.
But without the gun.
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