Hey everyone... yes its the newsletter... which right away brings me to my first point. We need a better name for this thing! I guess the "official" name will always be THE NATALIE PORTMAN NEWSLETTER, but we need something hip, a slang term us "insiders" to use when we refer to this baby. I'm taking suggestions, so write on everybody, write on!
Of course, if no one makes up anything good, we'll be forced to use one of my pathetic ideas, so don't let THAT happen!
issue #1 Possible names for this Newsletter
1- The Naboo Sun Times
2- The Natalie Review of Hotness
3- America's Queen (because that's such a stupid name)
4- America's Queen (you know what? it sounds less stupid the more you hear it)
5- Cigars, Red Meat and Natalie
6- Play-Natalie (oh baby)
7- Play-with-Natalie (even better!)
8- Divine Goddess of Wonderfulness and How We Hate the French
issue #2 The Army Grows
Now that the newsletter is getting a new name, we need one as well. What do I mean when I say "WE"? Well, we have several Natalie related organizations. The "Political Party, the Country" etc. But what we need is a name that will represent us, as the Natalie Army! Anyhow, since I'm dry out of ideas, I'll leave this totally up to you guys to come up with suggestions. So make them GOOD. Or else your incompetence will be reported to Natalie and you'll be kicked out of our organization forever! You'll probably have to be deported to France where you'll spend your days in a dirty cafe wearing a beret and drinking cheap stale coffee with Kevin Williamson discussing how is career went the way of Gary Coleman and Pauly Shore.
Anyhow like any army, there will be ranks. And since I am the best looking, and most talented of the bunch, I will naturally be the General. If you're wondering what that means, it basically gives me the right to marry Natalie, and live happily ever after, forever and ever in eternal bliss. If you're nice I'll send you a postcard from whatever island we choose to call our home. Anyhow, Natalie of course will be above me. She'll be given the rank of "Deity". I guess co-editors get to be Captains or whatever, and the people who just subscribe can be regular footsoldiers. Of course, there's always ways to improve your rank. One way is to make a Natalie website, and post my newsletter. Hmmmmm... oh wait a second. TA-DA! Here are two now!
1. A Tribute To Natalie Portman http://get.to/natalie_portman Mark's site!
2. Unofficial Natalie Portman Web Site http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/6012 Scott's site!
Anyhow, they're both new, they're both run by cool guys, and they're both carrying the newsletter now... So check them out!
Since they were both "kick-ass" enough to do this, they've been upgraded from footsoldiers to... oh I don't know, Admirals. Then again, maybe I shouldn't base my ranking system on the navy. They're a little too, "Village People" if you know what I mean.
issue #3 The Natalie Portman Fan, and the CRAZY stuff we'd do for her.
Natalie's fans are the most fanatical. That's not my opinion, that's just a fact. If you don't believe me... well you're just an idiot because you're reading this newsletter right now aren't you? Besides, how fanatic have you ever seen a Sarah Michelle Geller fan? Not very. Jennifer Love Hewitt? Besides her chest there ain't much there. (Although there is plenty at her chest) Anyway, an endless source of pleasure for any Natalie fan, has to be the various message boards that are found on the various Natalie sites. There are some total nut jobs out there, who will LITERALLY do anything for Natalie. Probably us included, but we're not as fanatic as some of these guys are. I honestly think that if Natalie wanted to, she could go through her entire life without ever having to lift, or carry a thing. All she would have to do, is extend her arm, drop whatever she was holding, and three guys would be diving to carry it for her before it hit the ground. Want some more examples of extreme Natalie worship in action? Do You? Pfff... Like you could handle them...
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Yeah okay here they are...
I forget which Message Board exactly this was taken from, but the topic was... "If you had three wishes, what would they be?" Anyway, 95% of the people just put "To Marry Natalie" as all three wishes, but I chose the following post because I liked how it was written.
Dark Arash 2 answered...
" 1. to be very smart
2. to be with Natalie forever
3. all the suffering in this world to end "
You're probably wondering the exact same thing I'm wondering... Why is Natalie #2? What good is intellegence if you don't have Natalie? If you had wish #1 fufilled, you would be smart enough to realise that it was stupid to have wish #2 ranked as wish #2... OH THE IRONY... anyway, at least he's got Natalie ahead of world suffering. What have those people from all those loser countries ever done for Natalie anyway? (Ie. France)
That was the last France joke of the evening.
Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.
Anyhow, continuing with the crazy stuff people would do for Natalie...
First there's this guy who ends every single message post and email with...
" She is the one......
We Live for the one....
We die for the one....
Note:Natalie if you are reading this i am not a stalker! (I am just a fan!)
Natalie Portman= Pure Unrivailed Beauty
I love her, and i will win her heart.... "
Incase you're wondering what he wrote in the actual message, it was short, simple and to the point.
" My god.....
I love her soooooooo much.... "
Then there's the guy who wants to know her so bad that he wrote...
" I can't take it. I just want to meet Natalie. I want her to know that I exist. It's not enough that I know someone on AOL who says he knows her (that's as close I've ever gotten to her on some level). And please don't tell mewhat the odds are of that happening, I already know. Spare me the heartache. Let only people who can relate to this respond. I'll feel so much better. "
Some guy posted the question, "Would you like to get married to Natalie Portman?" Of course, someone responded like this...
" I love Natalie. When two people are married it is a blessed momment that should last the rest of each person's life and should hold true to them the promises made. Anyway, after I asked Natalie to marry me or she asked me, it would probably be a very nervous time for me, because of all that has just happened. I would like to marry her in the place that she most desires, be it a church, synagogue, destination. She and I would hold the moments sacred to our hearts for the rest of our lives. And just like a fairy tale wedding, everything would be perfect and we would live happily ever after. As for the wedding night, that would be between Natalie and me if that's what you're fishing for. I see myself loving, caring, nourturing and providing Natalie with whatever she desires, to treat her and any other women as the Godess they are, especially Natalie. She deserves a man that will treat her with respect and someone who loves her for who she is on the inside. I sound like a hypocrite now because I fell in love with her face, but the more I learn about her, the more I love her. "
Awwwwwwww.... how sweet... anyway to finish up this segment, I saved the best for last. Some young man, decided that the best way demonstrate his love for Natalie, would be to write her a sweet little song. I am going to warn you ahead of time though, this just might be, the funniest thing you have ever read in your life. EVER. EVER!
" i meet you on sombodies island, you thought you had known me before.
i brought you a greata papaya, and waited all night at your door.
you probiely wouldnt remeber, i probiely couldnt forget.
jungle love in the surp, and the porin rain, everythings better when wet.
Natly love, its driven me mad, its making me crazy
Natly love, its driven me mad, its making me ccrrraaazzzy.
but latly you live in a jungle, i never see you alone.
but we need some definite answers, so i thought i would write you a poem.
the question to everyones answer, is usualy asked from within.
but the pounds of the rain and the truth they contain have abriten my life from your skin
Natly love, its driven me mad, its maken me crazy, crazy
Natly love, its driven me mad, its maken me ccrrraaazzzy.
you treat me like i was your ocean, you swim in my blood when its worm.
my cycles are a curcular motion, protect you and keep you from harm.
you live in a world of elusion, where evrthings peaches and green.
we always descover a conculusion, but we spend are time in a dream.
Natly love, its driven me mad, its maken me crazy.
Natly love, its driven me mad, its maken me ccrrraaazzzy. "
Yes, that's the exact spelling. Its completely intact, untouched by me. I'm not sure why I love these so much. Maybe because they're so desperate and pleading... more likely because I relate to them so much. *sigh* I guess it'll just have to remain one of those mysteries.
issue #4 THE NATALIE PORTMAN "jane magazine" PICTURES
I'm sure that most of you have seen the pictures, if you don't already own the magazine like I do. Anyhow, the reason I'm choosing to talk about the JANE Magazine issue, when she had pictures in German and British Vogue the same month, is that those pictures are simply AMAZING. "Hyper-Esthica" if you will. And if you're wondering what picture I'm talking about specifically, I'll tell you. Its the one, where's she's lying in the grass, looking all cute, covered in that little white blanky.
Oh yes. Oh yes yes yes. Needless to say, I could've been arrested for just the THOUGHTS that I had when I looked at that picture! Keep that picture in mind when you're walking around school or work, and you see girls who don't look like Natalie walking around. There's no excuse for them looking like that, when Natalie looks like this!
Anyhow, that's it for this newsletter. Incase you didn't notice, (you'd be mighty stupid if you didn't) this specific newsletter was primarily made up of other people's stuff. Well, in keeping with that theme, I'm opening up a section based purely on what you guys send in. So be my guest, write whatever you want! And if its any good I'll post it. If you want a sample, my buddy Sharky, sent in some ideas on what he thought Natalie's country should be named.
issue #5 NAMES FOR NATALIE'S COUNTRY
Portman Nat-ion, Nat Queen Cole, Good Morning Nat-merica, Portman Hope, Natty and Bulwinkle,
The Adventures of Natwoman and Robin... and my PERSONAL fav... Twin Peaks
Remember, keep those keyboards safely typing, and send in those suggestions and comments!
Oh yeah, and check out the pic... its a GOODIE ;)
Editor/Writer
AVP
Co-Editor/Contributer
The Momin Bros. This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
DCG
S. Michaels This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
Luv, Peace, & Being Here Now
AVP
*~*DYKWIM Production Studios*~*
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