Natalie Portman

Okay, so the Natalie Portman Newsletter is coming out a week early this time... How come? Well, there are a couple of reasons. The first being, last week's #3 was the first to go "public". Before #3, the newsletter was basically sent to my friends, and a couple of other people I knew who would be interested. However, the webmaster dude at www.natalie-portman.net "CHI" was kind enough to post the newsletter, and ever since then subscriptions have been pouring in. Something around the 70 mark so far, which is not bad for 4 or 5 days. Anyhow, the other reason is that I missed a month in between issues #1 and #2, and although I doubt any of you were particularly waiting for it since this newsletter hadn't gone public yet, its my way of making up for that. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THIS WILL BE THE BEST ONE EVER.

Anyhow, I also wanted to point out, that 100% Natalie Portman was the only site cool enough to post my newsletter. Hell, he was the only guy who bothered to respond to me. Which means, in appreciation to him, I will royally kiss his ass every chance I get. The other sites, including Simply Natalie Portman, America's Queen, and Natalie Forever, now officially, SUCK. And will continue to suck until they post this newsletter. You didn't post my newsletter, or even respond! Well SCREW YOU. I've gotten angry now, which won't make life pleasant for any of you. Pfff... actually... who the hell am I kidding? They probably won't even blink... I mean... who the hell am I? But that's not the point. Anyhow, stick with me CHI, and we'll take your website to the top. You'll be pulling in more hits than the Microsoft website by time I'm done. Oh yeah, and I do know that I've been advertising this website at message boards from Websites i've just bashed above. Do I care? Not really. What're they going to do? Cut me off from Natalie news? Deny me an interview that's been on TV?!?!?!?!? TV's don't require 30 minutes of downloading, and 15 megs of hardrive space... they just require a TV... and they're CLEAR too... oh dear...anyhow, enough of that... its time to move on...

(By the way... these opinions are simply my own, and don't reflect those of www.natalie-portman.net ... see, I got your back CHI buddy.)

Anyhow, over the past two newsletters, we've been covering a vast array of topics... however, some things need to be covered in more depth. Those things include Natalie Portman's fans.

issue #1 the natalie portman fan

Cruising message boards and other various website stuff, you invariably come across the odd Natalie Fan. If you know anything about Nataile, you'd know that the average Natalie Portman fan tends to be a tad bit more... "HARDCORE" than the usual celebrity fan. If you don't believe me, than you probably didn't hear that her yearbook sold for $1700-something bucks on an internet auction. Yes, $1700 dollars. And if you're like me, you're probably thinking... "that's it???"...

I want you ALL to sit down, and seriously consider the importance, and just plain holiness of that yearbook. Then I want you to try justify it being worth only $1700, because I sure can't. You couldn't even make a "Blair Witch Project" movie for that amount of money.

Don't believe me? Well read this and I'll be happy to show you why its worth more...

That Yearbook may have at one time been in contact with Natalie.

If not, the previous owner of the yearbook might have been friends with Natalie.

If not, the previous owner of the yearbook might have had some sort of physical contact with Natalie.

If not, the previous owner may have had physical contact with someone, who had physical contact with Natalie. If not, the previous owner may have been in physical contact with a physical object, with which Natalie once had physical contact with, (ie. a locker), and now has spread that contact onto the yearbook.

If not, the previous owner maybe have at one time, attended a class with Natalie, held up the yearbook, and absorbed some of the Carbon Dioxide eminating from Natalie's body onto the yearbook.

Anyway you look at it, at MOST, you're within 6 or 7 degrees from Natalie Portman. And its well worth the money, considering all it took was enough money to match the GDP of most small African nations. Anyhow, incase you thought my response to people spending that kind of money on Natalie's yearbook was sarcastic and patronizing, I guess I have to confess that I was in on the bidding until it reached about $400. I guess I'm just a sucker like the rest of you....... I'm not very proud of myself right now.

Anyhow, along with being "Hardcore", Natalie fans tend to fall in love with her at an "alarming" rate. Case in point, I basically caved in after first seeing her during a performance of "The Diary of Anne Frank". I wasn't even watching the play, it was during an entertainment report during the news. All I could remember thinking was... "She's WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY cuter than Anne Frank....." I mean, cuter to the point that choosing Natalie for the part seemed unrealistic. Could you see any Nazi, no matter how heartless or cruel ever wanting to hurt her? Of course not! The head of the German SS would probably take one look at Natalie, fall in love, turn around, and blow Hitler's head off. "Us Nazi's are supposed to be better than them? What're you #$@%'ing CRAZY?"

Anyhow, there are lots of stories of guys, (and a few girls probably), who have quickly fallen in love with Natalie after first glimpse.... but my PERSONAL favourite, has to be the following post on a Natalie Portman bulletin board which I will transcribe, word for word.

I just heard about Natalie Portman a few days ago and if i ever met her i think i would say

"Natalie you looked ridiculous in those Star Wars outfits"

and then she would begin to cry and I would grab her and hold her and say "There there my little princess Amidala its all over now" and she would respond "I know it is hold me tight".

For some curious reason, I could not stop laughing for maybe a good ten minutes after reading that. Its just so... perfect... it simply could NOT be better phrased... in any way...

issue #2 the non-natalie portman fan... and how to make them pay

Yes they do exsist. And yes they are undoubtedly who you would suspect they are. They are the FRENCH.

I know I've covered this issue in earlier newsletters, how the French truly don't appreciate Natalie, and how they're... well let's not pull any punches... "LES GRANDE ID-E-OTES" (written in French for our Francaphone readers). However, I have not written about how they should be punished for this insubordinance. I mean, not only do they not love Natalie, but they're French to begin with. Two strikes! Throw in that whole World War II thing, and we should just drop everything invade their dirty little country right now. So, how exactly should the French be punished? How should we make them pay? Let's take the "croissont" out of their dirty little moustached mouths.

Possible Punishments

Make them watch Dawson's Creek, or anything else penned by that No-Talent Kevin Williamson. "I Know What You Did Last Summer?". Yeah I know what you did! You wrote a piece of CRAP! Anyhow, those of you who are worried that some of the French men will derive pleasure from looking at Katie Holmes and Jennifer Love Hewitt, I reasure you that they won't... they are "French" after all, and Pacey and Dawson are heterosexual.

Make them eat frogs... no wait, they did that already...

Make them eat snails... shoot, they did that too...

Make them lose every single war... dammit! they've got that covered too... how can you possibly punish a bunch of sick masochists?

issue #3 the natalie portman country

A few newsletters back, we established that we would clear all the French people out of France, and give the country to Natalie. (After its aired out, and that unpleasant smell is gone.) Anyhow, I once again, humbly suggest a few names.

Nat-cromedia

Nata-holiks Anonymous

Na-stonia

issue #4 the natalie portman country motto

Let's not forget the motto. What would a country be without a motto? Would America sound as noble without "In God We Trust?" Would England sound as regal without "God Save the Queen?" Would France sound as fruity without whatever fruity pebble motto they happen to be using right now? "We're a bunch of fruits"... "Don't call us frogs, it hurts our feelings"... "We're not as wussy as we look, our beret's have points".... any-hoo, of course as always, Natali's motto is up to Natalie... but of course as I always, I have a few suggestions.

Myself alone is better than France

If ya smell what the Nat is cooking!!!

Look how cute I am

Isn't Jar Jar Binks Annoying? NOT ME!

I'm much more pleasing to the eye than that stupid Eiffel Tower

Check out my lush farmland (I giggled myself silly after writing that one)

The Natalie Chick Project

"Who Wears Short Shorts? Do do do do do dodo... I Wear Short Shorts"

Raw IS Natalie

Anyhow, that's it for now. This newsletter was rather lengthy... I just have a couple more things to add. If you like this newsletter, tell people. Post messages on message boards telling them to either go to Chi's kick-ass site at www.natalie-portman.com or just email me directly at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ... either way, ask them to subscribe so I have some idea as to how many people are actually reading this thing. The other thing I wanted to ask you, was to send me a little bit about yourselves. Its just to satisfy my own curiousity, and its always nice to know how far this thing is going around the world. So if you previously subscribed, or are about to, PLEASE tell me your full name, age, and where you're from. Of course, add a few comments... stuff like what you liked, and what you could live without. Unless of course you're French, and then no one gives a damn about what you think.

SCAN DOWN AND CHECK OUT THE PIC ;)

Editor/Writer
AVP

Co-Editor/Contributer
The Momin Bros. This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

DCG
S. Michaels This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Luv, Peace, & Being Here Now
AVP
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