Last newsletter was full of background information on Ms.Portman, but now that we're all up to speed, I think its time that we united, and try to flex our collective political muscle. How do we do this? Well, we use our power to influence the world in the name of Natalie...
Proposal #1
Natalie lives in New York... she actually lives among commoners like Jerry Seinfeld, Madonna, Spike Lee, and New York Knicks fans... as exciting as this is for us, its totally unacceptable... does Queen Elizabeth live in a downtown London flat? Of course not... and look how ugly SHE'S gotten... anyhow, the Nata-maniacs here, propose that much like the British gave up some of its land to make Israel... France give up some of its land to make Natalie her own country, where she will reign supreme. The country's name will be up to her. Although I do humbly suggest a few names...
1. Port Natalie
2. Nata-lonia
3. The United Babes of Natalie
4. Nata-palooza
5. Yum-Yum-Give-Me-Sum-of-Natalie
6. Natalie Natalie... The country so nice, they named it twice.
The french people who currently live in that territory of course, will be immediately extradited back to the filthy downtown streets of Paris, or kept to toil away in Natalie's new country's coal mines. Of course, a country needs inhabitants, an army, and a top notch bakery/gourmet cookie shop. All applications will be accepted, of course Nata-Holiks are already guarenteed admittance. French female models may stay and work as salespeople in our GAP stores if they choose.
Proposal #2
The people here at Natalie's Newsletter, have tried long and hard, to describe exactly how HOT, CUTE, ADORABLE, and gosh darn PERFECT, Natalie is... of course, without much success. The harsh reality is, the English language is not capable enough to do it. So, taking the next step... or as I like to call it, "taking it to, another level". We have invented a new language, which sole purpose is to describe the hotness of Natalie... "Nata-english"... how does Nata-english work? Well let me explain...
Here is the hotness scale of a regular person...
0- Do we share the same species?
1- I would rather have sex with a parking meter than you
2- Aren't you the GUY from West Side Story?
3- Go away before I beat you over the head with this Hairspray can
4- Umm... yeah
5- Some-what Attractive
6- Very Attractive
7- Aw Damn Attractive
8- Hot
9- Super Hot
10- Thermo Nuclear Hot
Of course, Natalie is somewhere in the upper FOURTEENS... So the new word to describe someone over a 10, is "esthica"...
(es-tet-e-ka) Of course, Natalie is the only person in the world who is over a 10, but say you run into her, or one of her genetically engineered clones one day in a comic book store, or at your local Wal-Mart... Imagine how embarasssed you'd be, if you were without that right word to describe her... anyhow, when looking at a picture of Natalie, like everyone else, she sometimes looks better or worse than usual. (Although even at her worst, she can never be below a 11.5) To describe a particularly hot picture of Natalie, you'd say, "she looks Alpha Esthica"... or if she just woke up, in the middle of the night, while drunk, and with no make-up, and is wearing a Qui-Gon Jinn mask, you might say, "she looks Gamma Esthica"... which is, she's still the most adorable, cute, hot girl in the whole wide world, but she's looked better... average Natalie pics, are described as "Beta Esthica"...
Proposal #3
Can you believe, that technically, Natalie shares the same gender as half the world's population? This simply isn't right. As wonderful as some girls are, and some of you are wonderful and terrific (I'm covering my own ass here, since this newsletter is being sent to some girls... some girls who can seriously hurt me)... Natalie transcends all labels... rather than UPGRADE Natalie, to separate her from all other girls, we here at the Newsletter propose to DOWNGRADE, all other girls... females will no longer have names unless they are Natalie Portman... how will this work? If you're not Natalie Portman, and you're a girl, you will no longer have the right to a name... you'll just be, "That Girl"... "The Girl"... or "A Girl"... if you're uncomfortable with that, you can be "That Non-Natalie", "The Non-Natalie", or "A Non-Natalie"... if you're name is already Natalie, than you're in some serious trouble... HOW DARE YOU SHARE NAMES WITH NATALIE!!!!! Do people name their kids Jesus anymore? (Well, white people don't)... how about Moses? (once again... well, white people don't)... anyhow, those of you who are currently named Natalie, will be called "Gamma-Girls"... sorry, but your parents should've known better.
Proposal #4
Natalie's birthday is on June 9th... yet this goes by mostly unnoticed... UNACCEPTABLE... it is now a holiday... take the day off... I don't care if you're a heart surgeon, whose scheduled to operate on Hilary Clinton... oops, I mean, scheduled to operate on "A Girl"... its a day of rest and of giving thanks for Natalie...
Anyhow, contact your local MP... if they fail to comply, threaten to pillage their riding, take their livestock, and burn down their "Elven Blacksmith Shop"... hehehehehehehe... If they still fail to comply, then they'll leave us no choice but to form our own political party... which will strangely enough, also be one of the topics discussed in next weeks newsletter...
Anyhow, I encourage you to forward this to everyone and anyone... including non-Natalie fans... or "jabroneys" as they liked to be called... oh yeah, and remember, this is the SECOND edition... if you missed the first, just ask and i'll be happy to forward it to you... until then, May Natalie's Force Be With You...
Editor/Writer
AVP
Co-Editor/Contributer
The Momin Bros. This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
DCG
S. Michaels This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
Luv, Peace, & Being Here Now
AVP
*~*DYKWIM Production Studios*~*
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